Monday, Jun. 03, 2002/2:52 am

tired and bleeding

I never wanted to hurt anybody, i never wanted to worry my friends or make anyone suffer because of me. It shouldnt be like this. No ones supposed to care. Everything would be so much simper if they didnt.

My eyes are so tired right now, but i cant sleep theres still so much inside me, besides whats been happening lateley I've been drinking, Saturday night i got completely pissed and cut myself really badley. My wrists are still all red and sore. All thats been on my mind constantly is getting away from where i am, i want to feel so differently.

Tonight i drank some more alcohol, on my own in the house, sad and depressed. I cant live with myself anymore. I just felt so alone. I need someone to hold me and stroke my hair from my face and tell me they will help me. I need to cry, soft tears, i want to be loved like i love everyone else.

I took pills, 20 pills. 4 normal paracetemols, 16 flu and cold maxi strength paracetemols. I just swallowed them one by one, as fast as i could, without water. Then i started to worry, that i couldnt do this to everyone, especially to cassie on her birthday which was today (well, yesterday by now) It was like something subtle just kicked in, it wasnt a strong feeling thet i needed to survive this. I just knew i had to something about it.

I was sitting on the bathroom floor shaking, and i turned around and stared down into the toilet. This was the only time that purging would ever be the right thing to do. The flu paracetemols were red and yellow and when i purged i could count all 16 of them mixed into the alcohol. All i could think was how beautiful it was, the two bright colours on the pills, contrasted against pure, sterile whiteness. It sounds so deranged i know but i couldnt see through it. What i've done hasnt registered yet, really it wasnt overly bad, it could have been so much worse, i could have taken much more. That unexpected will might not have kicked in, actually, really i do know where it came from. It was because of everyone else. I dont want anyone to ever feel bad, especially over someone as unsignificant as me.

I'm bleeding now, the razor was just inviting me. It knows i cant move on without it. Blades are my best friend but also my enemy. They always seem to help me at the time but afterwards they make me feel guilty and ashamed. They are such reminders of whats happened to me. Each cut was made to get rid of an emotion. They represent so much. I just hope that someday i'll be able to forget. Im not even rid of everyhting now. i need deeper cuts. i need to let everyhting bad out. When i see scarlet relief pouring down my skin i know everyhting real. I've been giving up so much latley. Was i trying to kill myself? i suppose yes, for a minute there i was. I just wanted all the crap to stop. I wish i never had to face my ugly self again.