Thursday, Feb. 13, 2003/9:55 pm

diabetic clinic

My apointment was so much easier than i expected. I was only in there half an hour and they asked nothing about my eating really. I don't know if i believe my Mum that they have been told anything, she says they were asked not to let onto me that they knew, i'm suspicious. He immediatly pointed out i'd lost weight and said "was that deliberate or did it just happen?" I lied and chose the latter option. I had to get a HBA1C blood test which they will send me the results of, hopefuly everythings fine. I felt so out of place in the waiting room, to me everyone else looked like model patients. They had come straight from school in their uniform, with parents, they talked willingly to the nurse and didn't look scared at all.

My progress was looked at in the form of a scatter graph, the results are downloaded from my meter. They were all over the place and he decided to change my insulins. I knew there was no point to it because i never follow the rules, i make my own up. It felt good to know that, and be able to keep my secret safe from them. Walking away from the clinic i was relieved but also a bit let down. Let down by myself for not saying anything, and let down by them for not noticing. I think a part of me was just hoping they would help me. It feels like i've been thrown another life line, but i don't want to live it.

I've been purging outside alot. In feilds and woods, usually in the evening when its dark and i know i won't be seen. I'm more wary of purging at home, incase i'm caught. It feels degrading to have to stand in mud when it's pouring it down with rain and throw up making sure to avoid your shoes. This is what my life has come down to, i suppose it's where i belong.

I won't reach beyond this fog that surrounds me.

It blurs the lighting to a level i can cope with.

I can't leave it

Sometimes, just sometimes i long for someone to try to pull me through.