Sunday, Apr. 27, 2003/8:35 pm

wash it away

My face is so far away from recognition.

This isn't me.

I'm a completly different person from who i used to be.

All escape routes are so far out of reach.

People just shapes that past through the mist.

I can't even describe whats going on anymore.

I'm sitting in such silence, turn the volume up on my CD player, but still such silence.

Nothing can chase this chill away.

The surface of my skin feels like paper. trapping in the cold. Dry and peeling, flakes of white fall off my forehead, another side affect of high sugar levels. Dehydration a constant factor. Throat lodged with heavy sand.

I can imagine that some people would read this and wonder if it was all made up or indeed the truth. It's become too far fetched for even me to believe. I wish it wasn't real, i wish with all my struggling heart that it wasn't.

When i was in hospital i moved around out of stable mind. Leaving strands of hair stray on white sinks. Always trying to listen to the doctors telling me i need to get my health under control. I already knew though, knew i shouldn't be doing this, and i still couldn't do anything about it.

I have an emergency diabetic clinic meeting on the 12th of May. Thats in over a month. I'm terrified of what i'm capable of doing between now and then. It's too long to wait. I should also be contacted about an outpatients apointment but i have no idea when that will be, if it will at all.

My weight is skydiving, by morning i should easily reach 84, if not less. I'm not purging or eating for the rest of today, i'm far to tired. I keep having to stop and rest to find enough fuel to keep going. I remember being 7 stone and wondering what it would be like to be 6 stone. I thought everything would be better when i met the target. Now i'm here and i'm wondering what 5 stone would feel like. I am currenly wearing a pair of trousers that i bought about a month ago. They were the smallest size in the shop, the smallest size they made. They are too big for me now, baggy at every angle. There is a tie round the waist that i keep having to pull furthur, the fabric folds and gathers together unsecure. I know this weight is too tiny, but i am oblivious to where these pounds of flesh are disappearing from. I still think my stomach is too large, and my thighs. My arms aren't too bad anymore, i can deal with them. My stomach feels huge though, too much for me to carry.

I've given up on school completly. We are supposed to be returning on Tuesday but i have told my Mum i don't want to go back. She is going to talk to my head of year and ask if i can take early study leave. I know that i won't be able to cope for the last two weeks, i just know that if i try i'll fail, with fatal consequences. I am too weak to be anymore than a failure now. I have to take my art and maths work in tommorrow, it's an inset day but it all needs to be sent off to examiners. I should be able to finish off my Maths in time, theres only a couple of sentences to be scrawled. My art is far from done but it will have to do, it's too late. I have a note from the hospital explaining when i was admitted. I'm going to gather what i've done together and give it in along with the note. They might give me a bit of a break because it shows that i haven't had much time during the holidays to complete everything. I've been ill. I just have to sit and hope for the best now.

I can imagine i won't even be able to make it into school tommorrow. Most likely is that i'll persuade my Mum to take it in. I have an incline that it will be one of those days where i won't be able to get out of bed, where i won't have enough energy to get up.

How much longer?

How much longer till i snap.

Snap apart, the walls cave in around me and i'm battered with plaster board ceiling.

What if i go to sleep and just never wake up again?

I'm crashing downwards, a faulty elevator.

Plumetting to a place i have never been before. I never thought i could get any lower but i'm starting to realise that it is possible

I just want someway, some thought as to how to stop this.

The same dreary tune has been playing too long and i can't find the end button anymore. I can't even change the track, and the beat is rising to a shrill siren.

My hands need to stop shaking.

The spirals that dance across the room need to leave.

But they can't until i find away out. A way out of this tangle of fears and depression.

I am nowhere near.

Unstable.

Uncapable.

I'm crying, the only thing i feel able to do.

I want the tears to wash the pain away.

Wash it all away.