Sunday, May. 11, 2003/1:15 am

last few days

The last few days have smashed through such calm. Bolting past in a mixture of fear, excitement, aprehension, sadness and so many more feelings i cannot figure out. I don't know where to start.

Yesterday i officially left school. Left the place that i have spent five years of my life. Where i have grown, where i have faltered, smiled, laughed, cried, walked alone. I will never forget it, mostly for bad reasons but also the good memories. I hated it, i hated it intensley by the end, but in the beginning it was just another fresh start. I wanted to make it in for the last day. The noise of books bashing against the tables will forever mark my thoughts, doors swinging and footsteps across floors. The opening and closing of lockers, talking, shouting, the seconds i spent staring at the clock face wishing for lessons to end.

Friends have let me down, friends have deserted me, friends have turned there backs when i have been screaming. That doesn't mean i won't miss them, even though some have played there part in moulding who i am today. I will never forget what some people did to me, that place is filled with so many of my terrors. My cons laid out on the table, whispered amongst sucsessors, played in a game of chase. Insults flickering into my ears, their words like a swored slashing through the small pieces of confidence that remained within me. I remember it all. Our form tutor gave us each a handmade card where she named us all a little miss or mr. I was little miss quiet, how typical, how predictable.

After an assembly and many signitures written over yearbooks we eventually said goodbye. We were allowed to leave at first break, 11. Of corse we have to return for exams but that is all. Later everyone was meeting at a field nearby, i had to push myself to go. Telling myself i would regret it if i didn't, most of the whole year was going. Some drank, some smoked, some eat, lots of people hugged. I sat for a while alone looking over them all thinking that everything within their world is so different from mine. Their smiles are genuine, and i can tell they are, they shine, they beam, they attract smiles back. When i smile i feel so fake and misplaced. The outside light is left on for me to stand under but i cannot make it there. I attract clouds.

In the evening, i went to the town fair. I never usually go, too many people, too much noise, too much. I decided to make an exception though. It was pretty intense and hard to battle through. My mind was in a spin, crashing from highs to lows, i wasn't steady. I'd purged dinner before i went out and was still shaky by the end of the night. I had a can of diet coke and was sick in the grass a bit later on. It couldn't stay in me, came pouring out with scorning acid, my throat flinching in anger. Riding the waltzer twice wasn't a wise idea. I left soon after. As usual, leaving Frances and Cassie together, they didn't care. I just felt in the way, an irritation. I even asked Cassie if i could stay over at her house because i was scared to walk home late but she said no straight out. I know that her Mum is really fair too, she wouldn't have minded. Thankfuly Katie spotted me, and her boyfriend Lawrence, they said they'd come part of the way back with me to make sure i was safe. I thought that was really sweet of them. Katie, what can i say about her? She's always going to be close to my heart. She's been through quite alot, and come out on the other side. She's so happy now, i can see it, she just needs to be herself. No matter what anyone else says about her.

Other people are so beautiful.

Today....

I eat, i went out, i eat in cafe's, i bought food from shops. I made my Mum buy anything and everything from the supermarket. I collapsed in tired heaps. I purged in public toilets, in seedy burger bar loos. It makes no difference anymore, i'll be sick wherever if it means i regain that empty feeling. Everytime i reach the point where my stomach is bulging and i cannot take it one minute longer i tell myself that i'll never do it again. But i do, again and again and again. Racing at high speed, unable to slow down.

Tonight my Dad came, at 7,30 picked us up. I was dreading it as usual, his girlfriend wasn't even coming so it was just me, him and my brother.

To be honest i don't even recall much of it.

I blocked it all out.

His mumbling voice like a speaker drowned out in the background.

It was okay though, not at all as harrowing as i thought it would be.

We went to TFI Fridays. That American restaraunt place.

Shared a starter then i had cajen chicken pasta and cheesecake to follow, with diet coke then a fruit and ice cream smoothie.

The only constant pressure in my mind 'where the hell am i going to purge?'

My Dad still knows nothing, but Matthew does. If i had disappeared to the bathroom convienetly afterwards he would have guessed easily. In the end i waited till we were home which was a short journey, slipped off to the bathroom whilst everyone was downstairs. In and out in 2 minutes flat. I'm such an expert.

My weight was commented on, alot. He kept pinching my arm and saying he could snap it because i was so thin. I really wanted to fade from his touch, his reach. He asked 'are you anorexic?' Not in a concerning way, but rolled off the tip of his tongue like a joke. I said no thinking 'wrong eating disorder actually.'

He has definatley mellowed though.

I am not as scared of each word he says.

Somethings clicked into place.

He drives like a maniac and gets into fights. He gives us dodgy mobile phones he buys from a cheap cocain addict. He gloats he's never had one cigerrette through the whole of his life but he likes to drink. He looks at each woman that passes by our table. He listens to dance music and wears designer sunglasses. He hands us notes of money and tips the watress �20. He looks like Phil Mitchell from Eastenders. He has the same eyes as me.

I love him, he's my Dad and i love him.

I'm not as depressed as i have been. I can get up in the morning. I am dizzy when i rise but i can face pulling back the curtains. It's better, i'm still sad, lonely, disgusted by myself but it's slightly better. I keep having panic attacks, usually in the center of our kitchen with people raging at me. The force grabs my body and floods into my chest. I can't be sure of when or where it will hit me, it sits over my head always. I haven't lots anymore weight, currently about 89. It frustrating, I am fat, i look fat, feel fat, no matter what people tell me i feel it. Then I think of how i was at 83 and i am terrified to go straight back to that. I will get back there, i want to, even though i was a mess i need to get back there. It wasn't skinny enough. I must get sicker before i can try any sort of recovery. Completly diseased with these infected opinions.

Thats it.

Sorry for being so long.

Just ending on the note that you are all extrememly precious to me. Each one who reads, who comments, whose diaries i read. I don't know what i'd do without my writing, without being able to come here and bare my worries. Lie with me in the grass, sing lullabies and watch the moon. You are all so beautiful.P>