Tuesday, May. 27, 2003/11:56 pm

searching

I put up these walls around me to grant me some sort of security. Now i find that they are what keeps me from facing truth. They are too strong to be knocked down, i have become too weak. Sinking through layers and layers of snow. Sediments i've gathered, preserving me sleeping. I need to wake up, i need to get out and start walking. I am a blank canvas.

My Mum caught me purging, heard me, stood behind the door. Then startled me by shouting out 'Thankyou very much!' Later came the usual verbal daggers. I'm a bitch. A selfish cow. I don't think of anyone else. I am wasting her food and money. I was left standing in empty ground with not one word to say in return. I felt like a child.

Disapointing, dirty, nasty.

They glance at me when i add another slice of toast to the grill. I feel as if i am always spreading too much butter when anyone in my family is around. I cannot eat peacefuly infront of my brother anymore. I can't stand it, end up acting clumsy and shameful, mini forkfulls and picking at sweetcorn niblets. He found me hiding a bowl of fruit salad under the side-board in panic yesterday as he decended down the stairs. I didn't want him to know i had it. Quickly shoved it from view as i heard him coming. When he saw it, figured what i was doing he just muttered 'disgusting'. Later i was feeling ill. He gave me his verdict 'It's because you've eaten too much.'

I can't swallow properly, i am heavy and restless, thirsty and tired. I have a full stomach ready to be cleared. I just want to crawl under my covers, into the dark where it doesn't matter if i don't want to ever get up again.

On my knees, bruised torn knees. Amongst frayed dreams, faded under gloom, patterns discoloured. Searching for someone, anyone to turn to. Someone to understand, or try to. But there is no one. No one besides this pass of online communication. No one on the basis of reality.

What's left anymore.

but broken, tragic sorrows and a wintered past that i won't ever be able to leave behind.

I don't want to see whats to come.