Tuesday, Jul. 22, 2003/8:16 pm

fatfatfat

I haven't been weighing myself lately, i've felt so depressed and unable to contend with the illusive flash of figures. Today however i gave in, stood on the steady block and stared horrified at the reading. Even as an estimate, with clothes on and full of drink i sat down and started to cry with the disgust of it. Pinching at my legs and stabbing myself in the stomach with a clenched fist. Swearing to never ever let it slip that far again. I'm too ashamed to confess what i saw. I hadn't realised, i thought i had gained a few pounds but not that much. I was fooled, the layers have been thickening without knowledge. After understanding the reality i looked in the mirror through tears, i turned sideways and then had to turn away. Laid down on my bed battling with utter self revoltion.

I haven't cut for a month atleast. I've been wearing short sleeves and i've felt so relieved, and free. Not having to worry or stress over peoples opinions and glances. The scars on my arms have healed quite well, the only strong hint of before is that of slash marks on my thighs. I've felt like i don't need to do it again, but earlier i had the strongest desire to slit FAT into my skin. I won't, i can't, not now, i don't want to ever reach for a razor in such flurry again. This urge will not own me.

This afternoon i have run, walked, through the woods and around the block. Like i did when i used to restrict. Except with only a fraction of the energy. I attempted situps, with little success, had to give up in pain, even with a cushion under my spine. When my Mum goes out in a minute i'm going to turn some music up and exercise even more.

I have purged my insides raw. Acidic liquid keeps rising up my throat. Sugar levels are off the meter scale again, in my intent. They will stay that way all night and all tommorrow. I am going to try and resist eating. I'm also going to try and 'borrow' five pounds from my Mums purse to buy laxatives first thing tommorrow. I feel guilty for even thinking it but i am desperate, i will pay her back eventually. Most of it should just be water and easy to get rid of quickly.

I must get back down again, i can't stand this.

I am really going to push myself over the next few days, i don't care if i collapse in exhaustion as long as i'm thin.

I am never coming back here again, the only way forward is lower. I want to pass 79, i have to even if it's the last thing i do.

I'm so sorry, i know this is insane but it's my concentration and obsession. I can't live with myself, especially at this shape. I'll go crazy. I deserve to suffer.

I'm prepared to be completely worn out.