Saturday, Jul. 26, 2003/10:31 pm

speechless

It's so gloomy outside, deep and black. Burnt out fire light iluminating window pains and guttering of neigbourhood houses.

I am very depressed tonight, sombre and blank. Pulling myself up by the end motions of force. I wish i could remember what it was like to be secure, in myself and these surroundings. I just want to pack a bag of essentials and move, with the flush of cold stinging my skin, get out of here, away from those who are trying to capture me.

My friends make me feel so inferior, so insignificant. I am just a joke to them, it's the small things, the digs at my wording, my mistakes, trips, or general characteristics. I sometimes just feel like a dart board for them to aim at, each score brings them stature. Maybe once they hit the bulls eye i'll turn away and i won't be back. Maybe i'll stop trying, stop showing i care and reassuring them like i always do. I keep thinking of that scene during the film 'Bridget Jones Diary' where Bridget says to Mark Darcy 'you seem to go out of your way to try and make me feel stupid, well theres really no need, i already feel stupid most of the time.' I totally understand that.

I even called Cassie, talked for five minutes until a text message came through on her phone. She hung up before even saying goodbye. I am not ringing back.

I need to cry until it's all gone but i can't.

Alone, alone amongst a crowd, alone within myself.

I stayed inside today again, only got dressed for a few hours before i was back in my pajamas. Tommorrow my brother is working, and my Mum is out again till the evening, this is a dangerous situation, i know what is going to happen. Food, my distraction, my companion, my only source of coping. Lured into the wide open arms of this addiction. Slitting my throat to get the words out because i can't bring myself to speak.

What's the use in trying anymore?, i've given up to many times. Swimming in the same blood curdled circles.

It's all gone to far. I can't climb down from the tree branches because of lack of grip. I'd rather sit and wait for the next season than jump into the unknown.

I just don't want to be rescued.