Friday, Aug. 01, 2003/9:38 pm

ip

******** House sits in the grounds of ********** ********* Hospital. It is a high building, towering tall with a brick arch surrounding the main entrance. There are many windows, each spaced out side by side. At first notice, I wondered what it would be like to stand on the other side, and look through the glass wishing to be freed. When you first enter you are placed in a long corridor, which you then find leads to a maze of many others, with numerous rooms for different uses. ****** ward, is a short walk up the staircase, behind a locked door, eating disorder teritory. There is a sitting room, several bedrooms, a group therapy room, bathroom, study room, and garden, there may have been more that i missed, i was feeling quite unaware. I met most of the patients, they were talking in the sitting room, and were introduced to me. Theres about 5 or 6 girls, all aged between 11 and 17. They all seemed really sweet, and friendly, but thin, so, so thin. I felt so fake, a lump of coal amongst crystals. Note to self: Must lose as much weight as possible before admission.

The bedrooms are tastefuly decorated in lilacs, pinks or light blues. You are encouraged to bring your own duvet, and belongings, stick photos, pictures on the walls. Many of the girls had personal cd players by their beds. I guess they try to make it as homely as possible. This was a pleasant change to what i expected. In my head i'd transfigured a hospital scene. Harsh white surroundings, crisp, stiff sheets, medical clipboards, signs and equipment. I was quite suprised.

One particular incident that really upset me was during our break, my Mum and I went down to the main canteen. She had a sandwich and i had a pasta pot and diet coke which i knew i would purge later, and i did. Anyway, there was a girl there, who was obviously from the eating disorder unit, trying to attempt lunch. She was crying and saying 'i can't eat that, i'm not eating that, that's way more than a tin of beans!' She looked absolutely terrified, unable of even being near the plate full of food. The carer who was with her protested 'this was your idea, to have a go at this.' In the end she just gave up and took her back. I felt really sad sitting there digging the plastic fork through spirals coated in sauce, sad for her, she looked so young, maybe 12 or 13. I wanted to hug her and say it would be okay. On the other hand i felt stupid for being there, because i was eating, i wasn't bursting into tears, even if i was going to throw up. I still don't feel ill, sick, disordered enough, however you want to put it.

They keep refering to me as anorexic, the binge/purge type. Although in textbook terms i know they are correct it does not feel that way. I feel as if i eat way to much to be brushed with the label of anorexia. Bulimia i might be able to accept, it matched my behavior, it's understandable. When people think of an anorexic it's usually a gaunt face who picks at salad, excercises alot, not someone who goes out of there way to find the means to binge on. I know that it a stereotypical analysis but i can't help feeling odd about it, as if i don't fit.

Other than looking around the clinic i had to go through the other half of my assesment. Talk, and answer questions with a nurse. I tried to be honest, i really did, left out a few factors but nothing to significant. My mum also had to talk to someone else, a bit like last time. I also had a general physical examination. Results conclude i'm deyhdrated, my heart beat is a little fast, circulation damaged, my feet were especially cold. Apparently i show aparent signs of starvation. Next time i visit they will want to take blood. They also want to try and help with my emotions, put me on some form of anti depressents.

I will be staying there, in a couple of weeks. I will have two more sessions beforehand. Next Wednesday i am returning, to find out more about the setup, talk to the patients for longer and ask questions. I was dissapointed about missing the beginning of college. The getting to know everyone and settling in, it will be hard when i eventually start, everyone will be set in friendship groups and i will have nowhere to go. The nurses said i could make it in for the first day perhaps but that is hardly useful. I am going to miss out on alot. They are going to talk to the college and explain whats going on, i wanted to start over fresh where no one would know my past. Seems this won't be happening, i'll probably get work send to me along with the books i'll need so i won't become extremely behind.

I have been strangely calm. For the whole of the experience yesterday i was quite blank. Staring at the ground alot, not really responding to what i was told. They were maping it out for me but inside i felt i wanted to just walk away, find somewhere to pick up the pieces, hold them in my hands and crunch them into smaller sections, bleed and form deep, toxic, meaningful cuts. Even though i knew i couldn't even move, that was what made it so placid. I feel torn but theres nothing i can do anymore. I'm just following through because i am to weak to do anything else. Dragging along half a heart.

At the moment i feel certain that i'll relapse when i am released but i guess it's wrong to asume. I'm so anxious with the thought of having to eat, chew, swallow down mouthfulls of food that i know will stay in my stomach. Having it sit there within me, absorbing and turning slowly into fat. I keep worrying, thinking, that i might even kill myself when i've gained the weight back. The fear of taking up so much room, and having to breathe under a thicker skin.

I've been depending on this for so long,

without it i am nothing.

I'm actually trying to forget about ip, block it out, right out of mind. I am not concentrating on it the way i should be. I suppose i'm just hoping that somehow it will fall through, i won't have to step another foot inside that place. That i'll be safe, safe alone with my pain.

I'm so scared, of my whole world being turned upside down.