Tuesday, Dec. 02, 2003/9:13 pm

how

I'm still around,

still latched onto life,

holding precious dust in my hands.

I keep starting to type updates, but then getting half way through and closing the screen. Turning the computer off and leaving the explanations hanging. I just can't bare to think, trying to reach the center of a maze but only ever finding dead ends.

The meeting was this afternoon, back on the ward in London. I don't know what else to say apart from that i am not going back as in-patient. I tweaked and held my pretence with perfection. Passed the weigh in and gushed about how i feel so much better. Stringing my sentences together with positivity, so much i feel sick inside. They want me to think about whether there is anything they can still offer, in terms of therapy or regular contact, before i'm officially discharged and passed onto an outpatient service. I have to decide before my official treatment review next Tuesday.

I'm bingeing alot, purging often, and lieing constantly. Smiling, moving quietly, peering from underneath my glasses and trying to act like everything is okay. I tell the other girls from the ward that i'm doing great, i want to recover, it will be fine, i can't wait to be normal again. So many lies, so many false words, so much deceit. The stories wind out with ease.

I'm safer, much safer than i was before admission. The doctor looked straight at me today and said "you could have died." I didn't know how to respond, The guilt of health makes me want to rip myself apart. A rush of blood to my cheeks, in place of all that used to be grey. A grey that reasured me, reminded me that i deserve nothing besides pain.

I'm running. I can't slowdown/calmdown/sitdown. Each step blurring into each other, each turn, each movement. I don't know where i'm going, if i am running away from or towards something. I'm a mess of nerves, my mood scattered into a multitide of angels. I even managed to forget one of my insulin injections Saturday evening, i'm supposed to take two with my dinner but only took one, during a flurry of preparing the meal. I missed the long acting shot and only realised the next morning after a night of high blood sugars.

I'm trying to avoid the reflection in the mirror. I don't want to face up to the fact that i am human, i am real, i feel

I just don't know what i'm going to do.

It will be all right. I just need to keep telling everyone that. And it will be...it will.

I just have to figure out how.