Wednesday, Mar. 17, 2004/11:39 pm

progress

I've already begun making progress. It is going to take a while to smooth the tracks out, regulate my blood levels, insulin doses, become familiar with eating again, but i'm not caving in. Still going, so many occasions before i have faltered at the first hurdle, toyed with recovery but lacked motivation. It's so strange, having to think before i swallow down a bite of food, really think, instead of shovelling it in with no pace, or blocking out the taste. I am very wary of added extras, butter, cheese, condiments, usually smothering to excess. I am actually quite scared of using them at all. Fuly conscious that each mouthful will be passing through my system, absorbed by hungry cells along the way.

Monday was soup. I woke up at 4am the following night with a vile reflux of tomato in my throat.

Tuesday, chicken salad, then a fruit and biscuit bar.

Tonight was a bit wobbly. I had a jacket potato with cottage cheese and a side salad, healthy, managable. Banoffee pie had been bought for desert, a favourite binge food of mine, but i was determined to avoid it at all costs. Reading the packaging, nutritional values, shocked by a whopping 397 calories per serving. I carefuly placed the box back in the fridge, and instead took away a low-fat strawberry yoghurt, started the lengthy process of licking each layer from the back of a spoon. Mum comments 'i know your dieting.' I'm confused. 'Being ill in the daytime and dieting in the evenings.' Speechless. Dieting? For me, dieting is sugar free chewing gum and diet coke. For me, dieting is puking up the entire contents of your stomach. Dieting is emptiness, nothing, zero. The meal i'd eaten seemed collosus through these eyes, eating disordered eyes, it felt like an achievement, not indulgent or over satisfying but enough. But that was it. Fuck it, whats the point? I eventually reply with 'fine i'll have it then' Finish the yoghurt, scarf down the banana, toffee and cream filled pastry with a glass of juice. When she's out of the way, upstairs on the phone, i take the chance, gulp down the rest of the cottage cheese, some coleslaw, crisps, slice of quiche and a chocolate mousse.

To the bathroom we go. Running the bathwater, whistling, singing every now and then between heaves. Followed by a few 100mls of lucozade to balance low blood sugars. Lay back in the water feeling like the living dead.

Tommorrow is going to be different. I'm not giving up, one blow won't take out of the race this early. I'm going to quicken my pace, as i know if i go too slow i'll just grind to a halt. I've prepared a strict plan of the day. Three meals, two snacks, and i'm going to stick to it. Until now i've only been able to keep dinner down, with perhaps an additonal bowl of cereal before bed, and i've been binging and purging in the morning's when the house is clear. But tommorrow that stops, or atleast diminishes. I can't go completely cold turkey, i'll probably allow myself one or two b/p days per week for now. I just can't overcome anorexia just to be bulimic. It's all part of the problem, infact it's alot of the problem for me.

I've not gained alot of weight so far, which i am relieved about. The prospect is unsettling, very unsettling, and i'll probably start to freak out soon, but i suppose it is the point. I just hope i'll be able to deal with it, somehow.

Stepping into the unknown, unable to see the scenery, darkness surrounding me. Splinters and nails scattered across the floorboards, ready to puncture or rip through the soles of my bare feet. But i keep walking. A tiny cut or spilt bead of blood could be enough to topple me, but it could also lend me furthur strength.

I'm not going to look back over this entry like i usually do after an update, incase i resent it. I know that i am stepping in the right direction, i know that this is something i really have to do, but i cannot believe that i deserve it. It's so much harder fighting on the other side.

Thankyou all so much for supporting me through this. I couldn't do it without you, not at all. xxx