Friday, Apr. 02, 2004/11:46 pm

remains

Empty bottles of diet coke, drunk down to the last trickle.

Handfuls of fallen hair, flakes of shredded skin.

Wrappers and opened packets stashed out of sight.

Nutritonal information scribbled on scraps of paper, as well as noted on my mind.

Remains...just remains. Dust.

I was supposed to be going to the cinema with Bryan tomorrow. He said he'd contact me to arrange it properly, but he hasn't. I e-mailed him last week in an attempt to reach someone, step out of my isolation, and it was good to hear back from him. He's not that kind of friend, he just makes me laugh, i thought it might give me a distraction from all of this. But, i guess i was hoping for too much. Why would anyone want to see me?

I don't even know if i could leave the house this weekend anyway. I am so embarrassed by myself, my appearance, i just can't be bothered. It drains me to drag myself out of bed, and i'm sure it's noticable. The only reason i went out today was to use the town public toilets to purge. When i got there i found they were shut, i was so desperate i ended up throwing up behind a tree in some nearby fields. Anyone could have walked straight by and seen me, walking the dog or having an afternoon stroll, but it didn't seem to matter at that point. I just needed everything out of me, i left my dignity behind long ago.

Glass after glass of sugar free soda, full for a moment, filled to the brim, and then gone. For a slight second the cool bubbles eleviate my thirst, but that second is stolen just as fast. Each sudden rush of saturation sucked through my body without any use.

Maltesers and marshmellows devoured by the bag, greedy hands reaching in for more, and promptly paying for it afterwards. The binging sends my blood sugars souring even higher.

Scales dominating my life, deciding my fate. Bones are not enough anymore, too soft, to subtle, i want sharper lines, severe edges. But i know that it will get me nowhere, nowhere worthwhile. It's just so hard to fight this.

A dagger held in my hand as i struggle to look in the mirror. Trying with all i can to keep from plunging it into my heart, to search for the soul within.

When will this end? This isn't a life. I think...i want a life back. A proper life. But i'm just going around in circles, becoming increasingly dizzy and tired, spinning, weakening. I need to find a balance, before i black out cold.