I'm so, so cold. Iced right down to the bone with frozen limps and frosted lips.

I haven't gone anywhere, i haven't left. I am still here, although i really wish i wasn't.

I applied for another college, sent the application off last week, but i have missed the deadline. They phoned this morning. There is no hope left to hold.

This state never clears, never changes. It can move up and down in frequency, higher with madness and lower with gloom, a mood that bounces from wall to wall, but it is always present somewhere inside. I told Mum last night that i felt down all the time, but she didn't understand. I guess she just figures that it comes hand in hand with the eating problems, and that it will pass. She said "It makes me depressed sometimes too." I took that as my que to shut right up.

I am rattled with tears and nerves, overcome by panic and this venomous self hatred. I need to be thinner, i need it need it need it. A goal of numbers that is forever falling.

You fat, ugly mess. LOOK at yourself, don't turn away, LOOK at that disgusting fold of flesh on your stomach, the loose skin on your arms, thighs.

I want to paint my wrists crimson, veins split open and raw. Red against white.

My head is disturbed, filled with fatal ideas that i try to block out and shake away. But they won't leave me alone. They are the only company i have.

What makes me happy? My cats, soft rain, my friends online, reading, music with meaning, my poetry and writing. If only it was that simple. If only there wasn't this great cloud looming over me at every turn, and every minute of everyday.

I wish i had something better to say aside from all of this. It's become so pointless, so boring, and i feel like such a cliche. I'm deeply sorry if i am worrying any of you, your all far too sweet to me.

I can't believe how long this entry has taken me to write.