I just looked at myself in the mirror and i'm as white as a sheet. Although, not the usual grey covering, shadows and sickness. Just a pale, almost porcelain doll-esque face, just not at all that beautiful. The pigment of rosy cheeks or tinted lips has been stolen.

I am so thirsty, it is undescribable. Shooting pains shatter through my leg muscles every so often. I haven't injected since early this morning, and binged so much since then that the number has completely out run me. I can't remember any of it, it's such a blur. My sugars have been all over the place recently. Have been having a lot of low's as well as the high's. Deliberatley taking too much insulin, knowing it will send me swiftly diving into a hypo. I don't even know why, i guess it's just another coping mechanism, another way to disorientate myself, to place myself in another world. Where the walls move and my eyes become pinned, danger set ahead. Stop, breathe, quickly grab a bottle of lucozade, and then decide what move of self destruction comes next.

I should take a few units now, just a few maybe. If not i will have finished all the diet soda we have in the house by tommorrow. But i don't think i can. I'm too afraid of binging again, surcumbing to the leftovers of what i haven't already eaten.

I am battling myself in so many ways. Despising myself to the core. I feel so uncomfortabley fat. I must let in a fair amount of calories each day even if i keep little to nothing down. It's so disgusting, i am. I must try harder, i have to be lighter.

Weigh in apointment with Jackie today - it went well, in relation to i fooled her and she didn't have a clue. I made myself have two bowls of cereal before bed last night so i would hopefuly look a bit better. Also to add some bulk to the usual water load. She said i was looking well, which scared me more than anything. I shouldn't look well, i'm not supposed to. I think it triggered me quite a bit, this is the reaction. I feel awful right now, but all i can think of is how many pounds i'll lose tonight.

She took an hba1c - which as expected i'm worried about, seeing as the last two have been unexplainable compared to my perfect log book recordings. Hopefuly because i've been having frequent lows and not so many highs it will have dropped alot more, and balanced itself out.

So many schemes...just to remain tied to this insanity.

A body defeated by a delusional mind. A heart breaking by the bullets of negativity, stemming deep, from routed thoughts. It's raining, but i cannot sing, how ever much i long to. My voice is lost, a whistle under the loud sound of others.