Don't look at me.

Don't look at this lumpy body.

Don't look at my pale face.

Please. Don't look into my eyes.

How can i set myself free when i have nowhere to go, nowhere to settle?

Surviving by a threads hold. Serving a never-ending sentence for a sin i cannot even place.

I feel so deeply cast aside, floating, just floating. Empty.

Unresponsive. Deadly thoughts chundering away inside, and yet, so silent.

The pills. They haven't moved. I couldn't throw them away.

I'm so alone.

He is always here, Mum's boyfriend. He spends most of his time down the pub but it is still so uncomfortable. I don't want to step out of place, interupt, i want to disappear. I sit in my room while they argue, and wonder if it's my fault. Did i do something wrong? I don't want him to see me eat, he'll think i'm so disgusting.

Cassie came by unexpectedly on Wednesday. It was so embarrasing, 7pm and i was already in my pajamas, infront of the tv, a complete mess. She was on her way somewhere else so only stayed 20 minutes, but i felt so awkward. Exposed, willing to keep my teritory safe and my emotions covered.

I had that thyroid test yesterday. It definately wasn't a pleasant experience. I first had to have a blood test and then an injection which hits you with a wave of naseau. I really thought i was going to be sick over the doctor. Later i had to have another two blood tests, at 15 minutes, and then 60. I should get the results back within a couple of weeks.

I keep having nightmares. Nightmares of being back in hospital, of fainting in public and falling. The anxiety plagues my dreams as well as my waking days.

There was a programme shown on Thursday about a diabetic girl, who suffered from an eating disorder, she skipped her insulin regularly, and because of that she is now blind. It really affected me, but i expected it to. It made me feel so incredibley stupid for all that i do to myself. She seemed so very strong, learning to use her cane and training with a guide dog. I know that if anything similar ever happens to me, i wouldn't be that strong, i'd just break apart, and it would be nobodys fault but my own. I was watching it and binging, and i purged afterwards through desperate tears, feeling intense guilt and the biggest let down in the world. I tested my blood to find the reading of 'HI', and just stared for a moment at those two capital letters. Wondering what the hell i am doing, why i feel the need to punish myself so much, ignoring the insulin pens sitting on my dresser.

There was one paricular part that stuck with me - "Teenagers think they are invincible, but with diabetes you can't get away with it."

What will it take for me to stop?