I saw Imo today, for the first time in a year. She is staying with Frances this week. The three of us were re-united, best friends, a bond that can never be forgotten, even if blemished and worn. We went shopping and to the cinema to watch Spiderman 2. I was very nervous, of just stepping outside of the house, fear shrouding me beneath a thick wool blanket.

Imo moved away 4 years ago, she had to go because of her Dad's new job. I have never seen her new house, and yet Frances visits every Summer. I have to admit, it hurts, it really does. I know that part of the reason she doesn't invite me is because of my eating problems, which is completely plausable, although just to be asked, would mean the world to me. We are all supposed to be equal, but i suppose it has never felt that way, not really.

I wonder if it is obvious? If they can see through me? -

When i distantly stare across the room, lost for a moment in my thoughts. - (What will i eat when i get home? What can i binge on later? When will this be over?). Or when i leave a store after just 5 minutes, to sit outside on my own while they continue to browse the shelves of cd's and videos. An attempt to save them from myself, and the unnecessary words that risk escaping from my mouth under awkward panic.

Do they know what hides beneath these broken smiles? The half-hearted semi curve of lips a subtle give away. Shuffling my feet along the ground, a heart pounding as we walk through clusters of people.

It's just so sad, that they don't actually know me anymore. I have drifted so far away, so far from light, into a deep clutch of darkness, where i cannot be reached, can't be pulled back. I did this, it is my fault, nobody else's, mine.

I hate being so repetitive here, i bet you're all so sick of me.

It is so much easier to remain alone. Concentrate on food, my gloom and destruction. I don't need to deal with rejection, or critisism, i don't have to obsess over what they think of me.

For lunch, they both had Mc Donalds, and i had nothing. Just Diet Coke. I was going to try and get just a plain green salad, but when it came to it, i just couldn't. As they went to order, i muttered "i'll get us a table" and looked down at the floor, hoping they wouldn't comment. They didn't, and it was okay, i was so relieved afterwards, leaving the smells of burgers, chinese and baked potatoes behind us, counters boasting different culinary delights.

Imo told me i looked a bit better, that she'd noticed i'd put weight on. I know she meant it well, but as soon as she'd said it i wanted to burst into tears. I didn't know how to respond. I've actually lost recently, not gained. I am currently stuck at 73. I had been pondering the idea of trying to add a few pounds back for college, in an attempt to build a little more strength. Now, there is no doubt about it, i am not thin enough. I have a goal, a temporary goal, likely be discarded as i reach it, but ever so important until i get there. I will not reveal the figure, until i can stand on the scales and read it aloud.

Tommorrow i have plans again, with some distant friends from school. I will go, i have to, i can't let them down, can't keep putting it off. I'm so scared, i want to back out, make up a string of excuses, remain dry and safe, protect myself from the scars and burns of exposure. A wheel turning around inside my head, analysing and picking apart everything i say, do, every remark i make.

She was at the station this morning. That woman that i spoke of, the fail sight of bones that stood out to me in the supermarket. It happened again, a nod, an agreement that we may share something in common. And then she actually waved, i hadn't been imagining it. It was quite a shock.

I think i should go back to the doctors. The Prozac really hasn't done alot, it's been a whole month now. I still feel very low, i have such little energy and the anxiety isn't fading. How can i justify that need for help? To pick up that phone and admit all over again that i'm not coping? Knowing that i do not deserve it.

I'm forever fighing to survive, to remain alive and breathing. But how can i move forward when it's such a struggle to stay still, and to keep myself from sinking? I may not have given in, but i've given up.