I feel, absent. I am not really here. Floating from one place to another, never making a difference, never glowing or gleaming. Instead, shrouded in a dull overtone, a smudge of worthlessness. It's okay as long as they don't know i am watching. dancing with their wisps of light and tickling burts of giggles. I will never belong.

I'm back to college tommorrow. I can't believe the week has passed already. There was so much i had to do, and as usual, so much yet to be done.

Mum's boyfriend is back. I don't know how to act around him, what to say, i feel so paranoid and on edge. The mood sharp with cut glass, walking on eggshells. I have been distancing myself alot, but that isn't exactally new.

I am heavier, i disgust myself. I still haven't been able to lose any weight, now near a bmi of 14. I feel bulky, pulled down, with too much blood, flesh, fat, too much of me. This fear of growing larger is terrifying, it has to stop, please let it stop. I have to make sure i get every remaining morsel of food out of me, everytime. Something must be going wrong.

Binge. Purge. Rinse. Repeat. Never giving myself enough space to calm down, to think about the money i'm spending, or the last clump of hair i saw rinse down the plughole. My eyes are blurred, right now, the screen is slightly speckled, my blood sugars are sky high and i need another drink.

Writing this entry has taken me ages. My head cannot function properly, thoughts gather in clusters of confusion, i try to piece them together, and make some sence.

Must get up. Go downstairs. Pour a glass of Diet Coke without spilling it all over the floor.

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[I'm sorry for my slow note/guestbook message responses recently, i promise to catch up soon.xo.]