I just ache.

Slept till 3pm today. Random dreams interupted each hour with the need to drink and urinate. This weakness is undecribable. I don't want to move, every step pushing me down to exhaustion. A climb up the stairs leaves me breathless.

I cannot see properly. I have three pairs of glasses, and even the strongest prescription pair leave my with slightly blurred vision.

I cannot take it.

Mum - "I know what you are doing, you are maniuplating your insulin. Nobody can eat that much and stay slim." Has it taken her this long to figure it out? Probably not, denial is her strong point.

Down another couple of pounds. Is it worth it? I do not know, but i cannot stop.

I have only eaten a cornish pasrty and bacon and cheese slice so far, emptied away down the toilet bowl. Even with my meter reading 'HI' i couldn't stand that full feeling.

My self worth is at an all time low. I am on a boat stranded at sea. Waves are crashing around me, and i just want to sink. I can't keep trying forever, with nothing to keep me afloat.

I have nothing to offer besides love. My heart is screaming to be heard but to those around me it is just faint sound.

I want to cry. I want someone to understand.

I am ugly, i am disgusting and just...awful. I could never live without this pain. These white spots infront of my eyes, the pounding headaches, nausea, sickness curdled inside my stomach. I am not worthy of health and i will never be.

Recovery is a dream. An illusion i will never be able to reach. There are just too many obstacles in the way.

I don't know what i want. Be it death or otherwise. For now i am stuck in limbo, with only darkness, coal black, surrounding me. Frail and losing hope.

I wish i could dance and be free, with sparkles in my hair, and light in my eyes. But that is for the beautiful people. I can only stand and watch.