I'm desperately clinging onto the edge. I am active, moving but still half asleep. Forever caught in this dream world. An illusion that i do not have to rupture, trying to forget that none of it is normal or how life is supposed to be.

Friends are leaving for university. I said goodbye to Gwen On Friday, Katie goes on Wednesday, Louise this Sunday. I have made sure each of them realise just how much they mean to me. I feel awful for not spending as much time as i should with them over the last couple of years, wrapped up in this eating disorder and my own messed up head. I will miss knowing they are near. I hugged Gwen while she was sad and held her hand, i told her not to worry and that she will be loved wherever she is. I just want them all to be happy.

I'm rattling around in this house like a spare part. A messy bedroom that does not feel mine anymore, a building full of cloudy smoke, somewhere that used to be a home. The situation keeps changing. Now he is not leaving, instead he may become joint owner and even more power hungry than he already is. Dealings with the mortgage and my Dad's quarter share is already causing friction. Angry phonecalls and frustrtaion with me left in the middle. It is all too familiar.

I have been going out more. Pushing myself out. Sometimes it is good, and other times i just want to run away, but i know i have to keep trying. I pretend to be a different person, a person who is recovering and reclaiming energy and enthusiasm. Yet I will come back and eat and eat and throw up my insides until i can't do it anymore. And they will never know.

I have only been to college for two and a half days, and we started last Tuesday. It's appaling, but of course i keep this guarded also. If anyone asks it is all going as planned, que a false smile.

Looking from the onset, and back at how i have been, it may look to be all right. I don't know why i am feeling so particularly low. So dead inside. Burnt out. Gone.