Then * Now

10.12.05/3:09 pm

thinking

How do you explain that your falling apart when your already broken in the first place? I am always drowning, never safe, sliding downwards.

If i could go to hospital right now i would. If i could get treatment, somehow, anywhere. I don't want this eating disorder. I want it taken away from me because no matter how far i run i will never escape on my own.

But, and there is always a but. I can't leave college, i can't just drop everything. I did that once before and this time i have to see it through. I couldn't start over, not again. I fear the fury in my father's eyes and the disapointment of those around me, my teachers, my friends. On the outside i probably look fine. A little down but okay, muddling through. I am not at my lowest weight, i don't look sick. Yet inside i feel at my worst. I feel like there is nothing left for me anymore.

You can place both on the scales, health against education, in the long term both will have a lot of impact over my life. I just know i have to get past July, complete my exams, and i have to attend, i really do, i've missed the whole of this last week. Then after that, beyond the summer, there will be university, more stress and then work, years of climbing the career ladder trying to keep up. All of it frightens me to death. Will i ever have a moment to stop and catch my breath?

I know i would be able to do so much better if i wasn't ill. If i was motivated and determined and could concentrate. This eating disorder has destroyed me, stripped me of my hopes and my dreams. I cannot see any sort of future past this muggy mist that clouds my eyes.

In the beginning i thought that being thin was everything. That it would scuplt and shape me with elegance and grace. I would be untouchable and in control of myself at last, perfected. The truth has been so far from that. I am now frankenstein's monster. Ugly, grotesque, and hating myself even more than i did before. Unable to even face myself in the mirror.

I don't understand why i fight to stay this way when it has given me nothing in return. I ask myself those questions - Do i deserve to be used? To be hurt? To be trampled over and in pain? In my mind i know the rational answer would be no, because how could i possibly be that bad? But in truth, i feel towards the answer of yes. & why? All i can do is shake my head.

Recovery. I can't imagine it. I think of tonight, of trying to keep dinner down, trying to do something good for myself. The guilt afterwards is what holds me back, being far more difficult to deal with than what i put myself through every day. I am not strong enough. I won't allow myself any amount of care.

I am killing myself. My bones are always sore and cracking, ribs aching, vision blurred. I always have some sort of problem and it makes me feel so melodramatic. It is all brought on by myself. My wrist has a dark angry bruise on it from when i had blood taken in A&E last Monday.(don't worry - just a danger with the high sugars, i am okay now) It's right down the vein though and looks like it's from something intentional. It's actually really triggering, i keep thinking that i should make it real.

Recently i haven't been binging as much, i just feel so unwell. I'm still buying food and just eating it to get it out of the way before it goes past it's best before date. I don't even want it, but it feels like it is programmed into me. A tiny bolt somewhere inside that just won't give in. Although i've been eating a lot of soup and mash potato, soft pasta, yoghurt, easy foods to throw up. I just had apple crumble and custard, a pudding that has been a favourite since i was little. It's just not so warm and comforting when your leaning over the toilet bowl with your legs shaking and heart slamming against your chest.

I should be starting an essay due for Monday, and i have another for Tuesday, but what is the point when i know there is nothing useful i can write down at the moment. As usual i'll push it back and ignore. It's freezing here. I have three layers on and the heating is up but i'm still so cold. I think i'm going to go back to bed for a while.