Then * Now

29.12.05/9:09 pm

bleugh

5.52 this morning. My brother wakes me up with noise as he leaves for work. I reluctantly crawl out of bed and downstairs to get another Diet Coke. I am hungry, my stomach churning, and so i eat one mini scotch egg from the fridge. Back in bed, i cannot leave it. I imagine the tiny snack spilling with fat and running through my insides. Poison. I have a decision, either throw this solitary piece up alone or continue to eat and then throw up. Of course i opt for the latter option. The first is too easy, less painful. Once i have touched the forbidden fruit i just can't help picking the whole tree. A pack of cheese biscuits, tuna mayonnaise rolls, crisps, 3 chapters of a book and two flushes of the toiler later i am gone. The headache is back, and i am dizzy. But empty. Was it worth it? No, but that is not the point. I curl up in my shame and fall back to sleep for hours and hours. Opening my eyes to the red of my clock reading 2pm.

I am ever so tired. Ever since i left hospital it has been worse. I even sit here exhausted now, after all that sleep. I am worried about college starting up again next Tuesday, how am i going to keep up? how will i cope?

Christmas was okay. I survived. Eat a lot, purged every bit. Even managed to lose weight.

Have been out with friends, trying to fit in. I am so sick of seeming okay. Of compensating for my sadness with an over riding pretence. I really am odd in social situations, i am never comfortable.

Sometimes i wish i could just let someone in, tell them that i am not fine. Spill it all out. But it is contained within me so tight, inside this perfect little box. I mustn't make a mess.

New Years Eve is stressing me out. I have agreed to go to Brighton with Cassie, Nicky, Katie, maybe Louise. To party, to dance and smile, staples pulling back my lips to form a curve. I am scared of the alcohol, of what it might do to me, i haven't drunk a lot in so long.

I feel so unbelievably dirty. While i was out last night one of my Mum's friends saw me, and today she told her that i looked really pretty. I just don't know how to react to this. I don't understand. How is it possible? How can my perception be so skewed?

So many questions, never answered.