I wish i could dissolve.

My brother has just come home from work and is being agressive, hitting and puncing everything. He thinks i eat his strawberry mousse that was in the fridge, when infact this time i didn't touch it. But he doesn't believe me, of course he doesn't. I am like the girl who cried wolf. I know he is annoyed and frustrated that i am here, that i did not go to college today, that i am a failure. All i have been doing is eating and being sick all morning.

I am so stressed out at the moment. With so much work due, and exams starting tommorrow. I have seven to take over the next couple of weeks. I sit staring at my books trying to let the information sink in but it just seems to rattle around inside my head, trodden down by thoughts of food and weight and god knows what else.

I had the diabetic clinic yesterday. It was difficult, they don't know what to do with me. I feel like a lost cause. They tell me what i need to do, what i must do, otherwise i will die, but acting on it takes the world of strength. Strength i do not have. My HBA1C has gone up even further to 12.3, i didn't expect that, i actually thought i was doing a little better. They are still unclear as to what is happening with my liver. He felt my stomach but couldn't be sure as to whether it was still inflamed. I had to have another blood test before i left, and if my results come back abnormal again i will have to go for another ultrasound.

They are always so concerned about me, and i don't understand, it makes me feel so guilty. I have been ignoring my local diabetic nurses calls as she was trying to set up a meeting, and she had written to the doctors to say so. They wanted me to ring her right then so that they could make sure an apointment was made but she wasn't answering. I now have to do it myself, and by his words if i don't he will 'send the squad cars round'!

I feel pressured, to improve, to let myself be helped. But why do i always have to run? I say i am trying but really, i am not trying as much as i could do. I know i have to do this. I will commit to just one appointment and see what happens, i can always turn back. I always build these situations up to huge and frightening proportions.

I am hardly sleeping at night. & binging way too much. Gained a few pounds and thinking about it makes me want to cry when i was doing so well with losing. Must get back on track.

This isn't a life, not really. I have been consumed in this disorder for so long. Any other existance seems impossible. I need hope.

Oh god, he has just knocked a chunk out of the bathroom wall with his fist. This is my fault. I make him so angry. I need to get away from this house.