Then * Now

05.02.06/8:19 pm

slowley

I am doing a little better. I went to see the diabetic nurse on Wednesday and she has given me two goals to which i am trying to follow. 1) test my blood in the mornings and 2) try and take atleast some of my Lantus each evening.

It is difficult but i am getting there. My sugars have come down to more acceptable levels, and it's only been a few days but i won't stop trying. I feel well when i take my insulin, i have energy, i can work easier, i just have to shove down the guilt as much as i can.

Matt and I saw Dad today and went out for a meal for my birthday. Since Mum and Jack have re-mortgaged and paid him off from his share in the house he has a lot of money, and we both got an envelope full of notes, and me, a laptop for Uni. I am shocked, and so grateful, it means i can pay off my debts. Start over. I am scared to spend any of it on me, but it will be such a relief to be clear. I am happy for my brother too. He was literally in tears the other day because of how much he owes people. I was worried. He said he felt like hanging himself.

I am still binging often, but it seems impossible to balance everything at the same time. Feeling really paranoid and anxious about how i look and what people are thinking too. Knowing that i will never be good enough for them, even though that is my opinion and not theirs.

I am slowley getting through my coursework, aiming to do a little more each day, sometimes failing, but not always. I finished my media project on Friday, it is an advertising campaign for the awareness of eating disorders. I am a bit wary of what my teacher might think as she knows my 'past'. I hate eating disorders. I hate bulimia so much. I hate what it does to me, and to others.

That is all for now.