This is crazy. I am out of my mind, out of control.

I am hardly sleeping, and binging probably more than I ever have before. Today I have hit two buffets. I feel so depressed, dropping to the end of this rope.

Only 2 hours dreaming through forty eight and I am shattered. Up all night with glassy eyes reading and typing, and eating. Sneaking quietly to the bathroom in the dead of night to rid myself again and again. I am desperate. Each time I am there throwing my guts up I wonder if it will be the last time, sometimes I wish for it, for my body to give in, for the pain to stop. It is happening more and more, these thoughts creeping into my mind, little demons knocking against my brain. This is going to kill me one way or another, I am sure. I am scared of snapping, the constant whisper of �selfish, selfish� holds me back with guilt, stops me from going over. But often I just think this is all so pointless, that I shouldn�t really be here, it was a mistake, and everyone would just be better without me, the burden of me, the annoyance and frustration.

The erratic binging could be partly due to the fact that I�ve been trying to take more insulin. I don�t know, I would like to use that as an excuse. Of course I am always struggling with it anyway, but recently, I just have no idea what to do. Any sense of proportion has gone right out of the window, and I am here, alone. Screaming on the inside. The only motivation i have at the moment is to serve this obsession. Even washing my hair is a task at the moment, i just can't cope.

It has never been fun, never an easy ride, but this is hell. The anticipation of food, or the delerious high of a binge is always conteracted by the awful low that comes afterwards. I was sitting on the train earlier, eating a load of chocolate and sweets i had just bought following on from my two buffet sessions. It was horrible, just stuffing them in one after another, feeling sick and wanting nothing but still going. Chewing down on my utter repulsion, disgust, so intense that it ceases to move me at all.

I am rambling here, my thoughts seem to be separating, shutting down, cracking apart - what was it I was going to say again? I think the lack of sleep is starting to set in, I have been running around on stolen energy all day and now it is beginning to lapse.

I want to curl up in my bed and cry. It has been a while since I did that, I feel dead. I have to see the diabetic nurse again tomorrow and I wish wish wish I didn�t have to go, not now, not this week, I am falling apart. She will think I am fat, people will stare at me, I shouldn�t be allowed out looking like this. Stupid irrational fears nurturing my anxiety, burying this hole deeper into the ground. Irrational? How could you think that for a second? Vain cow. It is the truth.

My sugars aren�t so good again, my injection sites are so sore and bruised, and i don't think i am absorbing my insulin properly because of that. I am high right now and daren't test my blood, I haven�t taken my lantus tonight, backing into old habits so quickly. I feel so bad, when the nurse is doing all she can to try and help and I am just useless.

I am hideous. I am. I really am.

So. Exhausted.
And sorry.

It's Valentines day, i wish i had someone. Or just someone to hold me.