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Then
* Now
12.03.06/7:52 pm perfect I wish i could just project my thoughts onto the screen without having to sit and try and type it all out. I feel numb. I want to be able to say something good but there is nothing. College, coursework deadlines, exam revision, i am trying to cope but panicing and damaging myself every way i can. Eating, throwing up, losing weight fast, using laxatives when i haven't for years, and neglecting my sugar levels. I was managing to take a little more insulin for a while but it didn't last. I am literally running myself to the ground. My teachers are worried about the work i am missing from absences. Days spent at home because i just can't make it out of bed or walk up the hill to the bus stop without feeling i might faint. Using the time i should use studying to sleep, binge and purge. I am so tired. My face, looks tired. People keep glancing at me strangely. Mum keeps saying i'm 'all gaunt again'. I try not to look in the mirror but when i do i am horrified. I stare like it is a train wreck, myself, a broken girl. I wish i could make people proud of me. |
* I could almost cry like tears of blood * and slowly it evaporates * without a scar without a trace * Sometimes too blue the moment passes * overhead so undetected * without default with no perfection * I could close my eyes & sleep forever * locked inside a secret silence * whisper deep into my head * Rewind erase and nothing remains * the way that nothing ever does |