Why is it so hard to write when my head is full of thoughts? I am dizzy, the computer screen doesn't see like it is right here infront of my face. I am a million miles away.

I need to re-draft this evaluation for Media Studies. I need to write some letters and an e-mail. I need to...i need to do so much more than this. Useless. Hopeless. Tinged with a strong sense of failure.

I didn't manage college at all last week. As one of my teachers said in a note of concern to my tutor i am 'falling further and further behind.' Looking back, i don't think i have actually had a full week of attendance this year at all. It is terrible, and i am not even going through a momentary phase of denial. I have been standing here looking at this mess that is my life for a while. There is a small voice that wills me to fight and act, but my legs stay rooted to the ground. I have lost it. The connection between wanting and doing has been cut. I just feel dead inside.

Went to the diabetic clinic this afternoon. Same old story. HBA1C high, apparently it coudldn't get much higher. I am going to end up in hospital, i will be in no state for university in September, what am i going to do?...none of it moves me anymore.

In my mind, i have been sicker. That will always be there to remind me it could be worse.

My doctor said i needed to 'get some flesh on (my) bones' - in the past a comment like that would have made me secretly happy, because it means someone thinks i am too thin. But not now, that feeling became stale long ago.

Last blood test still showed liver problems, a little improved on the one before but not good. They have repeated it.

I feel so stupid everytime anyone asks me how i actually eat, and what i eat. I just try to blag my way through it, and as usual they will always asume i do not eat, just snacks or bird like portions. It's not that easy to blurt out the fact that you have probably eaten more in that single day than they have all week. I feel dirty enough already without having to admit to that out loud. They probably wouldn't even believe me.

They say i am the only person who can change any of this, and i know that, of course i do. But change is what i fear most of all. With change comes finding myself again, and finding a focus besides this disorder. It's like pulling the roots of your life from the ground, scattering seeds and hoping with all you can that they will grow.

Oh, i also had a hypo in the waiting roon. Good one. Out comes the nurse with her full fat Ribena and biscuits - "they don't count if they are broken" - yeah, sure. I wish.

I've eaten everything and i have no money. I want to scream, i can't stop thinking about food - salted tortillas, cheese and pickle sandwiches, sausage rolls... I am shaking, that's what i get for taking my insulin tonight. Idiot, thought i'd be brave and probably took too much, sending my sugars on another dive after purging. I am so out of it right now. I need some sugar.