The days seem to go by so quickly, i am just standing here numb, removed, watching. Always waiting for the night where i can hide away without shame.

It is sunny out. I can't handle it. Everyone seems so happy and relaxed, i have to force those smiles even more so to fit in. I hate having to expose my body, feel so vulnerable. People all around to see, to whisper, to laugh whether outloud or inside. I am hideous.

I went to the beach yesterday with some friends. I wasn't planning to wear a swimming costume or go into the sea so that part was okay, but the social side was just so draining. I spent a lot of it just lying on a towel over sand with my eyes shut. Towards the evening it became quite chilly, they were fine but as usual i was so cold. My nails and lips turned purple, i felt like i was ruining it because i really wasn't having fun. I hadn't eaten all day but i had a hot chocolate to try and warm myself up, only to throw it up along with a few biscuits 5 minutes later.

I am desperately wanting and trying to lose weight, it is coming slow but i am getting there gradually. Binging is out of control as usual, i seem to just be burying myself in food and miserable depression.

I don't like my arms being so clear, being able to wear short tops. It feels wrong, like i should be cutting myself again, holding secrets behind scars. How utterly stupid is that? I find it hard not to condemn myself as completely crazy.

Exams start on Monday, with an English Literature three hour paper from 9am. I am just...not with it. I haven't been doing enough revision, hell i won't lie - hardly any at all. I should be going into college tommorrow for a group session, which will hopefuly help me get motivated, i just can't concentrate at home. I have to get the bus at half past seven though, and i am scared i won't be able to get up. I am so so tired.

I want to crawl out, of this shell. I feel so false, like i have no reason to be here, to stay. I really don't know what i am fighting for, but i keep going, somehow.