Then * Now

25.07.06/5:51 pm

wish upon a fallen star

I am back, and okay, i think.

The holiday was just about bearable...I was in Dad's firing range for the whole week, no suprise there. I spent many evenings alone in my room crying. Cursing myself for being such a failure and a bad daughter. I will never be good enough. Binging and purging was as present as ever, though as secretive as i could be. The hotel set up involved buffet lunch and dinners which was difficult. I found myself sneaking back after we had left the dining room for more, having strange stares directed towards me. I just stuffed it down, i know i am disgusting.

I did try to relax though. Sat by the pool and went into the town by myself, on one occasion i even started up a conversation with some English strangers which felt good, a little scary, but good. I also had some good late night chats with my brother sitting in the bar, voices laced with a wash of alcohol.

I have lost a bit of weight, and started a small job, just three hours a day but it is wearing me out so much. Makes me feel so very pathetic and weak. How on earth will i cope at uni? I am always suprised the effect a few pounds can have on my energy levels, it makes it so much harder.

I am going to sleep now, have had a long day with an opticians apointment and such, and am supposed to be going out later with friends. I wish i could just avoid everyone and stay inside. Some boys were calling me ugly yesterday, it hurt - despite their obvious immaturity it still hurt.

Diabetic clinic tommorrow i think, need to find the piece of paper i wrote the date on in this messy room of mine. She is not going to be pleased with me, my sugars have been...well, awful recently. I was so worried about gaining while we were away that i cut out many injections. I wish i could do it, keep them steady, make people proud. I wish, i wish, i wish...