Then * Now

06.08.06/12:21 pm

shaky

I feel so odd today.

My hands are shaking and everything feels a million miles away. The bookcase directly infront of me seems to be separated by a glass screen or some sort of misty illusion. I need to open my eyes and wipe the dust and insanity out, they are all glazed over.

I need to stop messing so much with my sugar levels. I was really high all night, up and down drinking, peeing, and then in a desperate attempt to stop my legs from hurting so much i took a large dose of insulin. Hence now my readings are falling and i am worried about gaining weight, suddenly putting on 5 pounds or ten or twenty. Irationality so easily sneaks through. I know that it is very likely i won't inject again until tonight or even tommorrow. Stupid, stupid., stupid. But it is what i have to do.

I really do not know what to do with myself anymore. I have tripped, slid forward and down like a falling domino, except i was not pushed. Sitting on the floor and staring at the sky, wondering what is up there and what this is all about. I feel so very hopeless.

Exam results are out on the 17th and i am petrified. I think i will be okay in regards to getting grades for university, but my own expectations are higher than that. Thinking about it just makes me want to eat and puke and eat and puke over and over, trying to scrub out the strong sense of failure i already hold.

I have been eating more with friends, and just disappearing to the bathroom straight after. I think they know what is going on. I hate myself for letting them see me, exposing them to my greedy actions. I often feel like hurting myself when i think of how it must look, me shovelling food into my mouth. Even though i am discreet, usually order salad or the like, it still feels wrong. Like it should be played out in secret, because i shouldn't be eating at all.

I am going to finish this now, i really can't concentrate. I am sorry my updates are not so frequent nowadays. I am scared my writing skills are drying up. I still check my favourite diaries here everyday, and even if i don't comment, i do care.