Then * Now

08.10.06/7:50 pm

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Well, i am here, and i am safe.

At this point, it could still go one of two ways. It might be a life changing experience, moving away and becoming independent, studying what i enjoy, that is what it should be. But, of course you can run away but you cannot hide, the eating disorder is ever present, determined to pull me back down. I can't deny that i have been struggling, a lot. Weaving another web of guilt laced deceit, lying and sneaking around to cover up what i am doing to myself.

I have made some friends, there are many lovely people here, especially the girls living on my floor. Still, i am so afraid of letting them in, because then they will get to know me, and they might hate me. Today i had a bit of a crazy episode where i just left and went into town to binge and purge the afternoon away at random food places. I just had to seperate myself from everyone, felt i kept doing and saying everything wrong and so it would just be best to become isolated. I feel paranoid that these new faces are talking about me, but as i tried to explain to someone this afternoon, it is not because i think they are horrible and mean gossips, but that i am the horrible, mean one and that it is their right to bitch about me.

Health wise, i guess there has been a few developments. My diabetic nurse back home referred me to someone over here and i promised to go and see them. I had an apointment last week, discussed what i felt i could, had a blood test and arranged for monthly meetings. Later that evening i had a phonecall from a doctor telling me that my potassium had come up at 2.5 (my first thought being that it wasn't that low at all) and that i needed to make an apointment with a GP as soon as possible the next morning. I did this and was given some K tablets, which was what i imagined would happen, and of course the GP had to question why the levels had dropped low. He asked if i'd been vomitting, and i told him the truth. I am now being referred to the eating disorder specialists here. In all honesty, i don't want to go, i want to see nobody and hide here in my shell, but i couldn't do that, not to everyone who cares about me. I can't refuse help, i have to give it a go, no matter how half hearted i feel.

My weight has fallen quite a bit. I am under 6 stone now. Bmi 14.9. I managed for a week without scales and in that time i felt so out of control. I was convinced i had gained so much and was actually shocked when i stepped on and saw the number for the first time. Relieved and elated. I do feel i am being caught up in it, calculating how much more i need to lose to get to certain bmi's, and all the while mentally screaming at myself 'what are you doing!!?' I seriously need to find some sort of balance. My hair is falling out in clumps and my legs covered in bruises. I wish i was over-exagerrating there but i am not. My skin is blotted with black and purple marks, some accounted for, and some a mystery. Last week i fell down the stairs in Mc Donalds, sent my tray and meal flying and caused an embarrasing scene. I had to fill in an 'incident book' and sit down while they fussed over me, asked me if i wanted an ice pack and such, i just wanted to get out of there. On Friday night i had a hypo after coming back from drinks and basically fell down in the street, hitting hard against the concrete surface. I now have ripped jeans and sores to both my knees, and of course a few more bruises to boot. I swear it looks like i have been beating myself up, well i guess i am in a way, just by different means.

Missing home a lot, worried about Mum at home with Him (the 'ex' boyfriend i dislike). They have split up now but he is still in the same house, he has screwed her over and used her, and thankfully now she has realised it. I just want to be there to protect her and let her know that the way he treats her is not right, because like me she just tends to take it and needs someone to remind her she is worth more. I miss my brother too, he has been e-mailing me and ringing me lots though, bless him.

I have thrown up everything i have eaten since the day i got here. I am petrified that the pipes will burst or sewers seep out or anything like that, so bloody terrified. Hence i am purging a lot outside of my room and in toilets on campus, still the amount i am doing her is still plenty. The meals they give you here are good taste-wise but not overly healthy, plus they give you huge portions, a bulimics dream you might say. I have been questioned about my weight numerous times, and with the appetite i seem to have i am just waiting till the moment someone realises what is happening in my bathroom, if they haven't already.

My course is really good so far, and i am enjoying it, despite being lost in everything besides. The creative writing aspect is especially exciting, we will be focusing on short stories, poetry then drama. In journalism one of the tasks is to compile our own newspaper which should be interesting, if a little daunting.
The work load is hardly anything for now in comparisan to that of others, but i am scared there is going to be a surge of essays and assignments soon and i will be lost. I have to try and keep up, i just can't afford to fall behind. University is so different from college, i can't use excuses and e-mail teachers with apologies about missing lectures, i have to keep myself well enough to go.

The depression seems to pull me down deep during the weekends. Probably because i have no commitments and the freedom to tend to the disorder as much as possible, sending me spinning smoothly into gloom. It is too easy to concentrate and dwell on the bad, on everything i hate about myself.

I am going for a lie down now, i have been so incredibley exhausted recently, and sleeping is the only escape.

(i don't want to read through this dribble again, so apologise for any spelling errors/confused ramblings.)