Then * Now

29.04.07/5:20 pm

flat

just-fine - updated 51 days ago

God, i remember when i used to update this diary almost everyday. Now...it's just a struggle. I don't want to keep repeating myself, with the same words, the same lines, the same broken promises.

I have been out of the hospital for two weeks now, went back to my uni halls for a bit then came home here for a while. I will be going back to uni for good until the end of the term tommorrow. I asked for my discharge to which they thankfully agreed. The unit was not what i had expected, it was not what i needed, and i do feel slightly let down. By the doctors, but by myself too. What i was told over before being admitted was a far cry from the reality of the place.

Inside i am still the same. Rotting. I am just bigger. I still feel as horrible about myself as i did before. I wish i could say i didn't but that would be a lie. I took what i could from it, my health has improved, i can concentrate more than before, but that is all really. Hopefuly therapy in outpatients will do some good, i don't know.

It's difficult being at home. Miserable. The situation with Mum's ex boyfriend and the house is still as dire as before, it will be put on the market soon, that is all she can do. He has ruined her. I wish with all i can that there was something i could do to help her, to make her happy.

It's awkward. In this town i am known as the bulimic girl, or to those rare enough to have not seen me buying food or stuffing my face; the anorexic. I am the girl who dropped out of school, went into a pyschiatric hospital. The girl who dashes to the bathroom after her lunch alone, is in and out of the supermarket buying junk on a regular basis. It's painful, the memories will always be here. & i fear i am becoming the same sort of figure at university - humiliation is when the cashiers, waiters and waitresses start to notice you as a familiar face. I don't want to be this person anymore. I really, really don't.

Sometimes i have moments of clarity, where i convince myself everything will be okay. I build up plans inside my head. Whether that be for restriction, or even eating normally, as long as i do not binge. In those moments i feel safe, and determined and positive, but it just never lasts. I need to grab on to it next time, and not let it leave. I am trying, but it is not enough. I am starting to realise that saying that is just an excuse for not actually acting on anything.

That high i used to get from the knowledge of suffering, and starvation is no longer there, i just feel constantly wrecked. Tired. Weak. Gone.

So often i find myself lost. Confused, unable to make sense of who i am or what on earth i am doing. I think the rational part of me has just given up, it can't fight anymore. I am just shuffling along without a cause, without anywhere to go, slumped, defeated. I need to wake up, but i have been saying that for years.