Then * Now
So long since i last wrote here...i am sorry.
I was twenty one last Thursday. It's mad. It doesn't seem right. I am behind everyone. Friends are in long term relationships, excelling at uni or working full time, and i am still struggling. Still underweight. Still binging and purging. Still trying to pretend i am not really diabetic. Still fighting to keep up, somehow.
It's been about 7 years since i started down this path of destruction. 7 years since i truly felt any happiness. I don't remember it. 7 years of a life hardly lived, with instead just glimpses of hope and fleeting good thoughts. The rest...such a waste. I am so sad these days, so deeply sad and lonely.
Eating disorders are hell, I would not wish it on my worst enemy. They have robbed so many of my friends online of what they deserve. I don't want this anymore, i realised that a long time ago. But there are two of me, the rational and irational. I am constantly aware of the stupidity of my actions and yet i feel seperated from any responsiblity to change. I am stuck in so many viscous circles, running around and around trying to find a way out, a way to escape.
It's strange being at Diaryland. None of my buddies really update anymore either. I miss lots of people, and i often wonder how they are doing. Ria, Mel, Katie, and Hayley - still a close friend of mine. She understands me too well. I hope everyone is okay.
* I could almost cry like tears of blood
* and slowly it evaporates
* without a scar without a trace
* Sometimes too blue the moment passes
* overhead so undetected
* without default with no perfection
* I could close my eyes & sleep forever
* locked inside a secret silence
* whisper deep into my head
* Rewind erase and nothing remains
* the way that nothing ever does