Wednesday, Oct. 08, 2003/2:13 am

Saturday 4th October

2.45pm

I've been pelted with tranquiliser darts. Driving my stamina into the distance. Dried of recent energy. I can't focus too well, feel like i've just experienced a strung out flight and jet lag has sunk in, attached a clamp to warm, pumping blood.

I know why this is. It's no bemusement. My day has consisted of; waking, eating breakfast and juice, puking, washing, dressing, looking through my notes, tidying side table, sipping drinks, reading, writing, checking notes, chopping and preparing my half section of lunch, before swallowing it at a snails rate. Like dissecting a discarded animal, afraid it might suddenly jump back up and bite you. Then, puking part 2, re-checking notes, straightening magazines. Finally laying on my bed and trying to rest it all away. My head hurts, my stomach has been stamped across by an elephant. With one thought i want to throw my meals across the room. So the plate shatters and food is splashed up the walls. But i have also been craving a colossal binge. A binge to sustain me and grant me close ground. Indulgences of my favourite staples - quiche, cheese, pasta, white chocolate, apple crumble, ice cream sundaes...

*sigh* When will all these ideas leave? I don't think they ever will. I have no power over any of it. If i did i'd be able to stop myself whilst in here. I am probably failing physically at the moment but no one will know. But me. It's mine. My secret. I have to keep it. Just to know it's here.