Wednesday, Oct. 08, 2003/2:12 am

Thursday 2nd October

11.17pm

'Tray collected but knife was missing, she was asked in the presence of her father, put said "it was not there" Spoon and fork were both used and dirty. This has been reported to team leader.' This is a quote taken from my file, noted by the mental health nurse. It's ridiculous, I'm partly annoyed and partly humoured. There really was no knife, even my Mum noticed before she left. They accuse me of everything apart from the reality, the purging and dodging menu options.

I overeat for the first time in a while today. Before now i haven't withheld much inside me but i was ravenous for a binge. I went out for a walk just around the halls with my Mum, we went to the resteraunt. I had coffee and persuaded her to let me have a sandwich and packet of smokey bacon crisps. Back in the ward, whilst once again alone, i charged through three quarters of a pack of digestive biscuits. Plus several swigs of diet coke, then my half portion of dinner. Of course, it all came straight back up the way it left, like so many previous occasions.

I know that when I'm in London i won't be able to do this, or anything related. I'm so apprehensive. Ready to be scolded hard and fierce by the hand of recovery. A meeting was held here today, so i could ask the London team anything i wanted to know, and discover more about the whole process.

It sounds horrible. But i wasn't expecting the best of pictures. I found out that the ward is especially for young people suffering Anorexia Nervosa. They also have a separate ward for bulimics. I'm going to feel like such an imposter. I don't feel anorexic, i never have.

Anyway, bed rest for two weeks, then group activities and study are brought in. An hour prevention on visiting the bathroom after eating. Snacks and close monitoring, an intensive schedule. Weigh ins and therapy, expressing emotions with felt tip pens.

I want to crawl up into a tight shell, so tight, so that even the slightest tap couldn't enter through my barriers.