Tuesday, Oct. 01, 2002/10:13 pm

kill me

I just want to curl up into a ball and die. I can't stop crying, and shaking, The walls seem to be moving, this hurt is scorching me, deep. i want to scream, scream my way out.

My mum will always be then one to do it, she's the only person that can make me cry. She really brings up my anger, when i'm arguing with her i feel like smashing my fists into everything. It was horrible tonight. I purged my dinner whilst she took my brother somewhere, when she came back she reckoned she could smell vomit in the bathroom. She just shouted about how i'm selfish and need to grow up and think of other people, how I've been wasting her food and threatened to ring my Dad and tell him everything. Made more snide comments about my eating and weight, she just can't stop it, always bringing it up, feeling she constantly has to remind me. She kept telling me she was making me a doctors apointment, i demanded i wouldn't go. Then she started making her way through my room. My things, my private writings and possessions, throwing them everyhwhere, all over the floor, whilst i was shouting at her to leave. I had to say I'd go to the doctors to get her out, i was in such a state, and broke down after she left into a sobbing mess on my bed.

I don't want to go, i really don;t. I don't want anything to do with her, i don't want to talk to her, i don't want to talk to a doctor. i need to get thin, i can't stand this. I discovered that i hadn't gained as much weight as i thought from overeating lately which has given me the incentive to lose more, I'm about 105 at the moment. All this is being once again snatched from me. I will lie to the doctor, they'll never get the truth out of me, no matter what she does. I will NEVER confess anything to her, i lie and i lie and i lie, i don't care if she knows i will never let her win. I can't, please, take away my problems and they will take away my identity. I am so sorry for ever hurting anyone, ever worrying them or keeping them awake at night. i feel terrible, i know it's not just me that suffers, i am selfish. I'm just so weak, i need these things to survive. I try to keep everyone away, away from this hell, i wish they could never get through. The blood seeps from my wounds, i never wanted to stain anyone elses hands with it.

I'm so vulnerable right now, fragile, as if i will fall to my feet any minute now, faint in a wave of fear. I'm cowering in the corner like a victim, scared to move, scared to do anything. I'm black and blue inside. Someone just kill me,please.