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Then
* Now
Friday, Mar. 28, 2003/10:40 pm the way i insist on heading I'm so ill. Woke up this morning at 5am, really parched, needed the toilet and a drink. I ended up being sick in the kitchen sink, without any form of self inducing. I threw up the pear i'd had before bed with acid and water, it was horrible. Eventually got back to bed crippled with pain, managed a few hours sleep then awoke at 7.45 to get ready for school. I couldn't move properly, i couldn't function, my chest felt tight and it was hard to breathe. I somehow lugged myself to the scales to find out i'd lost another 3 pounds. Then sank back into my covers. kept telling my Mum i'd be up in the next 10 minutes but when it came to it i was too weak to get up. I asked her to get me some breakfast, a small bowl of cereal and a yoghurt which i kept down. I needed too, my body starved of energy. I also persuaded myself to take my injection. It took my two hours to get ready, sort myself out, i went in at first break. It was so hard getting dressed, i litrally pulled my trousers on then had to lay down again for a while before i could attempt to put my shirt and jumper on. I got out the house in the end, but have been extremely exhausted and faint all day. I was very near crying at lunch but nobody noticed. Lots of double vision and mislayed steps. I had blue nails and purple skin earlier. Frances said it was disgusting. I guess it is. I've reached 90. Eventually i've got there. BMI 15.9. My lowest. Hopefuly i won't gain from keeping food down. I probably won't as i've skipped my evening insulin. Next stop 84 pounds. Hopefuly i can make it. I've been finding it hard to swallow, my throat is strained, almost like it's closing up. Sometimes when i'm eating it suddenly becomes really sore. I had soup and ice cream for tea which i purged, I couldn't cope with anything else bulkier. I'm not binging as much, because i usually feel so sick it puts me off food. I depend on diet coke throughout the morning, perhaps b/p after school and then dinner. I don't know why i am doing this. What i am doing this for. I just can't slow down. I'm being asked lots of questions about everything. On the way home friends were on at me, saying i have no shape, asking where i've gone. I just wanted to be left alone, because i could never tell them whats happening. I still protest i eat normally even though it's obvious i don't at all. Hopefully i'll feel a bit better tommorrow. - 'What's the matter Mary Jane, you had a hard day As you place the don't disturb sign on the door You lost your place in line again, what a pity You never seem to want to dance anymore / It's a long way down On this roller coaster The last chance streetcar Went off the track And you're on it / I hear you're counting sheep again Mary Jane What's the point of tryin' to dream anymore I hear you're losing weight again Mary Jane Do you ever wonder who you're losing it for / Well it's full speed baby In the wrong direction There's a few more bruises If that's the way You insist on heading...' - Alanis Morissette, Mary Jane. |
* I could almost cry like tears of blood * and slowly it evaporates * without a scar without a trace * Sometimes too blue the moment passes * overhead so undetected * without default with no perfection * I could close my eyes & sleep forever * locked inside a secret silence * whisper deep into my head * Rewind erase and nothing remains * the way that nothing ever does |