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Then
* Now
18.05.04/8:57 pm a boy
who made my head swarm in swirls his words like fireworks through an insecure safety screen' "Wow...she's changed" - That is what the boy i was literally obsessed with all the way through school said about me. His Mum told my Mum who passed this on to me. They saw me walking through the supermarket (of all places) in my new blue and white skirt and shoes. She commented 'Claire's become really pretty' and he responded with that. My face used to turn red whenever he spoke to me. He was the most popular boy around and i was the shy girl in the corner. All i could do was dream. When i found out he'd said that i can't describe how it felt. I secretly smiled then brushed it off and told myself it must be lies. I'm worrying now. I'm thinking 'changed?' So that means i'm fatter? I was thinner when he last saw me? He didn't say 'wow, she's too skinny' or 'wow, she looks really ill'. So that proves i'm too big right? I'm not sick at all. I sabotage everything that could feel good for myself. I don't deserve it. I honestly cannot remember what real happiness feels like. What it feels like to be comfortable in your own skin. lies lies lies why would he even notice you even look at you even care your ugly disgusting shouldn't have even been out like that in the first place shouldn't be allowed out hide you fat bitch |
* I could almost cry like tears of blood * and slowly it evaporates * without a scar without a trace * Sometimes too blue the moment passes * overhead so undetected * without default with no perfection * I could close my eyes & sleep forever * locked inside a secret silence * whisper deep into my head * Rewind erase and nothing remains * the way that nothing ever does |