I feel so sad. For this, for all i am doing, or rather not doing. Being swept away by this over bearing tide, desperate to swim. But i can't, i'm paralised by fear, fear of being on dry land, fear of a different existance.

I need to speak, i need to type it out, air my hushed voice through these words. Maybe if i just keep jamming my fingers down across these keys something usefull will come...

I'm sick. Shot down with a cold, so common but so lethal to my already weak body. My throat is sore and i ache all over, my throat, my legs, arms, i need sleep and rest but i can't allow myself that.

I don't understand why, why i had to make this vow to myself, to punish so deeply, when i cannot find rational reasoning. All i know is i have to, drawing blood from my heart to soothe the guilt. I have to pay for this life because i am not worthy. What's the point in questioning or trying to make sence out of it, i'll just end up hating myself even more, if that is even possible.

I'm still binging, even without the usual strong appetite. I'm still wondering around supermarkets, close to tears, yearning to let out a shout, a cry of help. Today i became so stressed and disgusted with myself, i fled and left my trolly full of binge food in one of the aisles, only to scurry back 5 minutes later and on to the check out que. Head down, can't look them in the eyes, can't let them know that it hurts.

I went to a party last week, accepted the invitation in a regretable act of bravery. It was painful, i was so very lonely. I was with two my my new friends from English Literature, in an attempt to get to know them better. They were sweet, kept trying to involve me and not let me get too lost, but i still felt so out of place. Around me, confidence oozed from dancers with dark eyes and glitter in their hair, beautiful.

We were in the bathroom at one point and i noticed that next to everyone else, my reflection in the mirror was so different, paler, a white ghost surrounded by peachy complexions. It was a strange moment of realisation. I kept escaping to the toilets, sitting in a stall and resting my head in my hands, counting the minutes away, trying to push myself back out there.

I can't believe half term is over, where did it go? Of course, the books are left unturned, notes abandoned, projects pushed to the back of my mind. Monday i will have to face it all again. The humiliation of exposing my awful self to other people. I am a just a distant, shy figure walking the corridors alone, greeting passers by with a painted smile. Nobody to worry about, no one important. Just turn away.