I feel terrible. So utterly embarrassed after another night of excessive drinking. I just want to find a hole to crawl up in and hide.

It was a joint eighteeth birthday, i wore my new brown sequined skirt and the most gorgeous shoes, everyone said i looked lovely. I still felt so ugly, the rotting weed amongst so many beautiful flowers. I didn't take long, bottle after bottle of Smirnoff ice, poured down my throat like it was water. Vague recollections keep flashing back at me, tripping and sliding across the floor, confessing to Howard that i have liked him since year 3, telling everyone and anyone that i am too fat. Humiliating.

This keeps happening, and it scares me, because i am usually trying so hard to cover up. I'd painted the make-up on as i always do, but as the alcohol seeped through my weak body my smile started to fade a little. Colourful dust, smudges of concealer and lipgloss, turn to shades of grey, those lines not so perfectly applied as usual. I want to get away from my awkward, clumsy manner, run from this shadow of overwhelming doubt, so much stronger in social situations. Deadly feelings seeping through these little cracks, like blood escaping from a poorly stitched wound. Afterwards i'll try to wash it away, pretend it never happened. I'm fine. I promise. I was just pretending.

The harsh truth is that they don't know me at all. It is these moments when they may realise that i am not as okay as i say i am, that underneath i am a complete mess.

Towards the end of the night i sat alone while others danced and laughed. While making sure they couldn't see i sneakily started to binge. Taking food from the buffet table, quiche, mini tartlets, chocolate finger biscuits, hiding it by crossing my arms, then walking to the toilets and letting go, crumbs falling into the folds of my delicate skirt. When i got home i had cereal and crisps, and the threw it all up in a drunken haze, probably leaving a few stray Cheerios floating in the toilet for someone to find.

I've started to lose weight again, although after checking a while ago i seem to have filled up with water, after the insulin shot i took earlier. Those numbers prickle fear but i just try to reasure myself that it will come down. My sugars have been very high, higher than they have for a while now. My room is littered with various cups and glasses, 6 empty Diet Coke cans strewn across the floor.

I haven't even heard from the doctor about this clinic apointment. I guess it's not important, maybe i just throught this kidney problem was worse than it is. Stupid melodramatic bitch. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish.

On Tuesday, Frances is having a meal for her 18th, and i promised her i would go. Of course i am absolutely terrified, of being around people that haven't seen me eat in years, Watching as i shovel each forkful of salad into an undeserving mouth, that is all i will be able to handle. I just hope i don't have a anxiety attack in the restaurant.

College hasn't been going too well. A few more absences, a few more wasted days spent sleeping or binging and purging. Disgusting. Everyone must think i am so lazy. I had a really bad depressive period around the end of last week, i just didn't want to do anything at all.

It's all about appearances with me. Why do i care so much? I guess there is just too many flaws to ignore.