I feel stupid for believing people might worry, for asking Hayley to update (thankyou, dear). I must seem so presumptious, so full of myself.

Perhaps i should have just slipped away. A lonely shadow into the night.

I am still down here. Right down low in the dirt. Pulling myself through each day with this pile of rocks tailed to my back. Forcing myself to take some insulin so i can find enough energy to get out and be with my friends, to make them know that i am fine.

But i am not fine. Not fine, not fine, not fine. Maybe if i say it enough it will get through to me. Maybe i will be able to do something about it. This mess, bloody awful mess that won't go away, that i can't fix.

I went back to college yesterday. Same timetable, part time, i am such a lazy cow. The highlight of my day was the fact that they've refurblished the canteen, how sad. My life always revolves around food. I am already eating and purging there. I am drenched in failure and destruction, dripping onto the floor everywhere i walk. I will never be free.

Home life is probably the worst it has ever been. Aside from the friction between me and Him, we have no money. Arguments about prices of meals, stretching to afford the next one, while my bank balance disappeares at a vast rate too. Finding my Mother desperate at 3am searching for items to sell, hearing her crying in the next room. We might be moving soon as she is struggling to pay our mortgage, and He might be finding his own place because he just can't stand me. I feel so bad, this is all my fault.

I'll stop now. I am rambling. Early start tommorrow, the simple thought of it just urges me to lie in a dark room and block out the world forever.