Sorry for the absence. The last week has been a pretty hectic one. I only just got out of the hospital yesterday, well i discharged myself.

I was admitted Tuesday evening after seeing the doctor, with suspected mumps and worries over my eratic sugars. My glands had been swollen and sore for days before, i literally looked like a hampster or a squirrel smuggling acorns in it's cheeks. I was so tired and with a constant headache. My GP was really concerned and said i needed to go straight to accident and emergency.

Since then i've been poked with needles, been put on a saline and insulin drip, had a chest x-ray and an ultrasound. My sugars were up to 38 when i got there, worrying by their standards but not by mine. They were amazed that i was completely unmoved by that and didn't feel particularly high.

The mumps became a bit of a background issue as they became more focused on my abnormal blood results. They showed problems with my liver, and after i'd had a scan they found it was enlarged. The swelling of my face and neck has subsided a lot and is nearly gone now, but it is still quite tender and aches a lot.

I was becoming so depressed. After two nights and endless hours of staring at the blank white walls. No TV, unable to read properly because of the pounding inside my head. Throwing up the small, unsufficient and almost inedible meals they served me three times a day. I needed to get out, they tried to persuade me to stay atleast another day so that they could investigate the issues with my liver, but i couldn't. I just felt myself falling, so fast, so far down, down beneath the covers and away. They took another vial of blood from my arm before i left at they are going to call with the results. I had to sign a form to clear the hospital of any liability as i left against medical advice.

I am starting out on a new long acting insulin. It is called Detemir, and is not supposed to cause any weight-gain, a plus that has been concluded through various medical studies. They are putting me on it so that hopefuly it will be easier for me to cope with taking it regularly, without fearing a rise on the scales. I am very willing to give it a try and want my blood sugar control to be better and i have agreed to see the doctor in the New Year. Still, i don't think it will ever be that easy. After all it is not just insulin i am scared of, it is eating in itself as well.

I know i should have stayed, really. Why do i only ever find assertion within me when i am fighting those who want to help? I can only ever raise my voice to escape, to run back to my comforting world of self destruction. I can't ever just sit it out and see, and once i am on my feet even as i look back i can't go back on my word. The little voice that is crying for help is always screamed down by the force that drives me to hurt myself even more. Like a pressure point, i always seem to blow apart and bolt from the scene when it gets too much to bare.

I am so weak.

Soon it will be Christmas. Tommorrow i am seeing Dad. I am so awfully anxious about the presents i have bought people, i really really hope that everyone likes them. Of course the Big Christmas Day Meal is on my mind, part of my excited by the temtping food and then another completely terrified of how i'll get on during and afterwards. Will anyone notice as i scurry upstairs afterwards? Or should i just leave my sugars to run of the scale and deal with it all that way?

I am exhausted. I have been told not to drink much alcohol over the holidays, which is fine until you get to New Years Eve. I really want to lose myself and it will be hard to stay in control. If i am honest i don't care what happens to me, but i don't want to worry my friends.

I just purged pizza and cheese pasta and i don't know if i want to eat some more or just retire to sleep. I am such an old woman, always so tired, the one trailing behind dragging my heels. I wish i could pick myself up. I wish i wasn't so pathetic.

I am going to stop rambling now. I just needed to update and let you all know what is going on. I hope everyone who reads this has a wonderful Christmas and that you all manage to take good care of yourself over the festive season. xxx