I convinced myself i was making the trip to buy college materials, books, note paper, folders, but the real reason was always lingering in the back of my mind. The buffet, so shiny and inviting in it's appeal, the smell hitting you immediately as you enter. Almost calming, a relief, you will be eating, and soon.

It is lonely. Just me at my table for two, a bag filling the place where my company should sit. I was the only person alone today, everyone else was in groups or couples. I tried to forget it and just concentrate on the plateful infront of me, each mouthful tasting a lot like the last. A gulp of Diet Coke, slice of pizza, plate of steaming pasta, swallow it down, without a pause for taste or value. Such sweet misery.

I am past embarrassment now. It does not even register. The shame is so present and fixed down that it actually ceases to matter. I am so disgusted with myself that i cannot even face it, or let it move me. Instead i just get on, back and forth, one portion after the next. Eating for three, four or five. I used to just fill myself full and then purge in a place different from where i'd eaten, but not anymore - i use the toilet atleast twice while i am there, and then go back to binge even more. I am still scared of drawing attention to myself, but it's like i've accepted that i am filthy and wrong and everyone can probably see right through me anyway. They now bring my Diet Pepsi refills whenever my glass is near to the bottom, i don't even have to ask.

I just block all of them out. The chatter and noise surrounding me. The normal people. I listen to the music - the same cd for almost every visit, mostly pop and light r&b, the song 'Unpretty' by TLC repeating often 'I reflect back on what I�ve used and abused...So how do I bring out the me nobody sees'. I imagine the staff are talking about me back in the kitchen or after i leave, raising their eyebrows and commenting on that bulimic girl who is back again. But i push it down. Keep eating, don't think.'

I know what i am there for, my purpose, to serve my eating disorder and then leave. My eyes frequently flick towards the door as i hear a gush of wind falling through, hoping with all i can that this next face won't be someone i know. I just don't know what i would do if that happened, if a friend walked through, or even just some distant companion. I would freeze.

Maybe i should feel sad about it all, and i often do, about what my life has become, but not today, because being sad involves a sence of pity. I brought this all upon myself, i have no one else to blame. You can forever say it's an illness, a sickness, beyond control, but the only fact remaining is that it won't change unless i do something.

The plans for tommorrow night have changed. We are now staying here as we couldn't find anywhere to stay in brighton and it was to cost quite a bit. We will be going out for a meal and to a huge party afterwards. I wish this could be what it is, a good time New Years Eve with my friends. But no, it is all about food. What will i eat? Will they think i'm greedy? Fat? & then there is the aftermath, i don't think i will be able to keep it down, not even a salad. I am useless. I can't do it. The stupid part is that if they knew i was getting rid of the meal afterwards that would be okay, but the idea that they might believe i am keeping it down makes me feel so guilty, why do i always feel the need to prove i am suffering? It is not a matter of attention, but a way of saying 'i understand how awful i am, and i am making up for it'.

I should be better. So many people must asume i am better. I should be happy. There are so many that are worse off than i, and they are worthy of much much more.

I want to be the girl in the glass slippers, dancing with the Prince. But i will always feel like i am clothed in rags, mourning a magic i never even had. On the stroke of midnight i wish to just disappear into the night, amongst the new year fireworks.