Then * Now

22.01.06/9:00 pm

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I am still here, despite sometimes wanting so much not to be.

I wish i could turn the sound down. Stop these trains of thought that lead nowhere but gloomy corners. Trapped by my own mind. I cannot stop lingering over the past. I cannot forget.

Too fragile. A slight scratch to anothers self esteem is a blood bath for me. Means of torture, any tool by which to punish myself. In the bath earlier, i held the razor over my wrist but i did not press down. Am i not hurting enough? I don't know. I don't even thinking there can be enough pain for someone like me.

I need to build foundations around me, to keep out the wind and rain, to fence in all this dirt. This eating disorder merely protects me from reality, from life, with drapes of transparent material. You can still see the sadness.

We went to see 'Memoirs Of A Geisha' at the cinema last night, Mum and I. The chinese women in it are all so beautiful. Swans with elegance and grace, red painted lips and white faces. I used to think i would be beautiful, if only i could slim the bad parts of me away, but the ugliness will always find a way to seep through.

Everytime she comments on another girl my age, with nice hair or clothes, or glances over at a young teenage couple i feel so unworthy. I should be like that, normal, sociable, out having fun. I am not good enough, and i so want to be. But i never will be and it hurts. She deserves a better daughter, if i could grant her that i would in an instant.

I keep forgetting to take my anti-depressents, and i see now how very much i am reliant on them. Just one day passed and i am a wreck of tears and suicidal intentions. I never realised just how dependent i was until i'd neglected a dose.

I need to write a 3,000 word essay and so far i only have 600. It feels like the hardest task in the world, and i am already a week late. 4 exams down and three more to go.

I feel like i need to react. Need to fling objects across the room, crash and scream and cry so hard. But what is the use? Hate Hate Hate. There is so much self hatred inside and i can't get rid of it. It's killing me.

I thought i had something useful to say, but it turns out i don't at all.