Then * Now

09.02.06/10:52 pm

birthday blues

Well, my birthday on Tuesday was pretty uneventful. I somehow managed to go out with friends for a drink and tweak a false smile for a few hours. It feels like pulling on strings, trying to keep up the act when i just feel like falling limp.

Another year gone by, in a flurry of destruction, hatred and food wrappers. In a sense it reminds me that i am surviving, fighting somehow despite it all, i have not been washed out with the tide. But can you really call it life if your constantly drowning? It's sad because in truth i don't know why i am still here, or either if i want to be. I feel absent, like i am merely running through this routine of existance without ever taking part.

We broke up from college today for a week off, which is a huge relief. I am utterly exhausted, i even fell asleep on the bus this afternoon, and that is actually happening more and more. My eyes flutter and close to black only to be flooded moments later with light i long to reject. It is embarrasing. I have been struggling so much to get my work done, to complete essays and have coursework in on time. I am fed up of having to make feeble excuses, why can't i just function properly like everyone else? I am such a failure sometimes.

Food habits are all over the place, well in the simplest form i am binging and purging a lot, i think i've hit the number ten mark today. It is disgusting and shameful and i just wish i could stop myself.

I need to get thinner. Need to. Need to. Need to. Those words seem so pathetic, but i mean it, that is not going to be a faulty promise.