Then * Now

25.03.06/5:23 pm

guilt

The rain is so pretty sometimes, trickling down the window panes while you sit inside huddled beneath blankets. White faced and sad.

It will be Mother's Day tommorrow, and it was Mum's birthday yesterday. I want her to have the best time, she really deserves it. I bought her a delicate little white gold necklace, with a pink heart jewel and some chocolates. I also bought her a chocolate fudge cake and decorated it with icing, pink and white sugar daisies and small fairy candles. I felt a bit like Laura Brown in the Hours, trying to make it all precise and perfect, but ending up with wonky and smudged writing, a purple and white glittered 'Happy Birthday Mum!".

I am having flowers delivered this weekend, a light yellow and pink arrangement, hand tied. Tommorrow i am taking her out for lunch with Matthew, we are paying half each. I do realise, this is a lot, i spent far more than i need to. I like to do it, i like to treat her and spoil her and see her smile, but deep down i know it's another way for me to make up for my guilt. I do this a lot, i am always buying her random gifts or taking her places. Compensation for the way i am, the failure i have become. A silent way of saying sorry for being an awful daughter, sorry for putting her through hell, sorry for hurting her and myself.

I am really weak, against this depression, physically and mentally. I made it to college Monday, Tuesday and Thursday which is good for me although i missed Friday. Everytime i get there i get these thoughts creeping into my head, telling me to leave, to get the bus straight home, to eat and puke and sit in my gloomy room all day. I just panic, i want to get away, get out, find refuge and comfort. I have to try so hard to ignore it.

There is a boy that likes me. I saw him a couple of weeks ago, and since then i have been avoiding him. I am just so scared, terrified even. It was too intense, too close, too much. I had to run. I don't understand why he wants to see me again, and i feel terrible for putting it off. It is not him at all, it is all me. Shy, insecure, not worth the bother.

Sugars are hay-wire again, seeing the nurse on Tuesday, i really wan't to cancel but i can't as i avoided the last one. Spending beyond my means as usual, all the money my Dad gave me is gone. Mostly on food. As always my eating disorder comes first. I know i will regret all this waste for years to come. The only way to deal is to try and not think about it. Earlier i was so out of it that i managed to leave 20 pounds at the cash point, just took my card and forgot to pick up the money. I'm such an idiot, and it isn't even the first time that has happened. I really can't afford to lose it so often, and i mean that in a literal sense as well as the emotional.

I am so thirsty, have just finished a litre of Diet Coke and i am still so parched. I need to sleep, I woke at midday today but i feel completely shattered, nothing out of the ordinary of course. I feel full, although i am empty. Dizzy and disorientated and shaky. What am i doing? Why can't i stop? All the questions in the world, spinning around me with hunger and hate, and yet there are never any answers.