Then * Now

15.04.06/4:49 pm

home sweet home

Hello,

I got back from the New Forest on Thursday. It was okay, but i didn't really cope as well as i'd hoped to. I was incredibley tired by the end of it, snatching sleep during the day and opting out of walks didn't seem to prolong my energy. It was emotionally draining too, having to be around people so much more, when i am usually looking for the first opportunity to run and hide. I became very paranoid, tried to refrain from spilling repetative thoughts and questions of 'am i annoying you?'. 'are you mad at me?, 'do i look like i've gained weight?'. It's difficult, putting myself in a constant situation where there are so many flaws and faults to be seen, those that i try so desperately to conceal.

As for food, i haven't eaten like that infront of my friends for years really. I mean meals, proper meals. I was so hungry, not being able to binge like i usually do, and always talking, thinking about what we would eat next, whether we would go out or stay in, what they were having, what i could have. I think it proved just how obsessed i am. I feel so ashamed now, deeply, i want to go back and be clean and sterile and refuse food. I tried to kid myself i was doing it for them but really i am just greedy. Nicky laid up breakfast every morning, it was so sweet of her. Twice i just had a low fat yoghurt, which was fine, but on other occasions - cereal then toast with jam and then a swift bathroom call just set me up for another bad day. They knew what was happening. It was pretty obvious. I purged everything aside from a few snacks, in and out of the toilet as quick as i could, returning with a false smile to face concerned looks. High sugars, little amounts of insulin. I became agitated and really worried without any scales, as soon as i got home i checked myself. It hasn't changed, i am somewhat relieved and yet also frustrated to be without a loss.

& now, i am here again, and falling apart, piece by piece.

I have been filling and emptying myself at a frequent rate since being back. Making up for lost time. Thursday evening, and i'm straight to the supermarket. I went slightly crazy, a blank out of figures or prices, radar set on doghnuts and chocolate and crisps. Credit card maxed out, so i use a store card to withdraw money from the hole in the wall. While scanning my items through the cashier said to me "Haven't seen you in here for a while, are you okay?". Shame, embarrassment, looking around for a black hole to swallow me up. I somehow managed to spit out "Yes, of course", pay and then leave the store pulled down by a multitude of heavy bags. Calm down, it's all right, it will be okay, you have food now. Breathe, and then eat, and eat, and eat. Sugared fingers, a sticky mouth and sunken heart.

Last night, was in a word, terrible. It's all a bit of a daze, such are events i want to forget ever happened at all. I was too slack, left vomit down the toilet, chocolate gloop and Wine Gums that don't shift from the bottom. Hence hourse of screaming and shouting, a blocked sink. The whole house up, aware of exactally what i have been doing. Whispers beyond my bedroom door as i sat crying my eyes out. Muffling the noise by burying my face in an old t-shirt, too scared to cross the hallway for tissues, terrified of seeing their disgusted faces. Mum said i need to leave, need to find another place to live. I do not blame her, they all want me out. I am just the sick, twisted, filthy outcast, the one that needs to be banished away, locked in the attic like Heathcliff's insane wife. I was in such a state, and i really wanted to hurt myself. Clinging on seems so pointless sometimes, at moments where it would be so much easier, for myself, and for them, to just let go.

As usual i can fall into this sadness like a perfectly fitting glove, a warm resting place of solitude

This morning is a bit calmer, on the surface anyway. Inside i feel so hopeless, so stuck in this. I have been through the usual routine, despite Mum telling me that i could never throw up in her house again. I have been grocery shopping, bought countless reduced items as they were selling off the old stock before Easter closing. I have cake and sandwiches, nuts, biscuits...enough to bury myself in for a couple of days, enough to drown out the noise. I just cannot stop myself, it is such desperation. Yet, that excuse feels so weak, so feeble, WHY can't i stop? I feel so very faulty, beyond repair. Why do i still remain? The air here is so awkward, and it is because of me. All. My. Fault. I ruin everything. Even that fact cannot move me, selfishselfishselfish. That word is the one i fear most of all. I could cut the atmosphere with a knife, but it seems more appropriate to pull a blade across my skin. They are all talking about me, muttering their grievances with distaste. I deserve it. My brother has said he hears me throwing up night as there is only a thin wall seperating his room and the toilet. How nasty is that? How utterly nasty for him. I just wish that i could contain this, keep the monster within myself.

I don't know what i will do, i have no plan, i know no other way. I just want to sleep forever. They shouldn't have to deal with this anymore. This waste of space, this disaster, this shell of nothing good.