Everytime i come back to write in this diary i feel like i am digging around in the dirt for something to say. It is always the same.

I can't believe what i have done to myself. I don't want to see it. A waste of over five years of my life, emptied down the drain along with strands of hair and vomit. I disgust myself to the point where i just want to cry. I wish i could.

My attendance at college is terrible. Three weeks left and i cant even gain the strength to go in. How am i going to cope in the exams if i haven't been in the lessons? I want so much to do well and to get high grades, and yet i just cant seem to get up out of this.

My mind sometimes races ahead of me, i make plans inside my head, of recovery, money saving, revision shedules, nil by mouth starvation. But my body never follows on, it is left lagging behind, and eventually i retreat back to my comforting world of binging and throwing up.

Like now, i feel so fat and bloated. I want to lose. So no food tommorrow right?...Let's take a bet on when i'll be in the supermarket contemplating doghnuts vs pastries, i give it till the evening. You could say i have no hope, but when you have tried and failed over and over again it is hard to hold that.

Dad came today, took us for Lunch as it was my brother's birthday yesterday. Fortunately, as my brother's girlfriend came with us and was meeting him for the first time he was less frequent with the snide comments. He actually said i looked 'well' which was such a trigger. It's ridiculous how i can twist such words around to negatives.

Frances and I are not speaking. I stuck up for another friend of mine that she was being so rude to, and after hasty words i haven't been able to face her since. I am always the one doing the running, i have had enough, it is so one sided. Yes, i deserve to be treated badley but other people certainly don't. It breaks my heart to fight with her as she is my oldest friend and i care about her enormousley. But this time, i am waiting for her to apologise first, something she does so rarely it is shocking.

I am so bored. I want to talk to someone, but i don't know who or how.

My room is a state again, crumbs, clothes, food wrappers everywhere. This is it. This is me. Nails tinged with soil, white faced and tired. Laying on the ground and waiting to sink through.