Exams are nearly over, just one left this Thursday and i am done. I am almost relieved. Still i can't stop worrying as usual, about what i wrote, what marks i might get. I hate it that everyone keeps telling me i will be fine and do well. They don't understand that i am genuinly terrified i will do really badley. So much time wasted, all those absences, and so much confusion, i have let myself down in so many ways. I could have done so much better, if...if i was just me and not twinned with this eating disorder.

I've been taking extra prozac, as the depression seems to have clung to me aside this stress over the last few weeks. I nearly missed one exam because i couldn't bring myself to get out of bed. I feel so so ugly. On the outside as well as in.

My head is crammed full. I am having nightmares, destructive thoughts spilling over into my unconscious. I wish i could let go of the past. Wish i could forget some of it or just lock it away in a cupboard, so that it doesn't affect me anymore, or control me.

The desire to lose weight is still strong, yet in my mind i know it would be the worst thing i could do before university. I feel so torn. I want to show everyone i can do this, i want to make them proud, but deep down i really don't know if i can. How will i interact there? How will i socialise and get to know people? It will be so difficult to not just hide in my room with the door shut.

I am going on holiday to Ibiza in two weeks time with my Dad and brother. Matt's girlfriend was supposed to be coming too, and i was really pleased about that because i'd have someone to talk. I often feel it's stupid little me against them. Unfortunately though, they have split up, it is really sad and i miss her. I am trying not to think too much about how the food situation will be while we are away. I will have my own room and bathroom in the hotel which is somewhat reasuring atleast.

Spending way too much money as usual. Down the toilet via my stomach.

I am not going to check back on this entry. I can't bare it, these words seem so useless, empty.

I wish i could say i was improving, but i am not. Everyday is the same, one after another after another. Sometimes when i am out in public i become so anxious with thinking that i might just suddenly scream. Loud and sharp and piercing. Silence can be painful.