Then * Now

27.08.06/9:19 pm

alive

I guess i should update this...i am sorry for the delay, i have just been so distant recently. I don't want to connect with what is happening, don't want to stare the truth in the face. Everytime i am just reminded of what a mess my life is.

I did well in my exams. Two A's for both English Literature and Media, and a merit for the English Extension paper. I am so relieved. It was the scariest moment opening the slip of paper, i really thought i had failed. Still, everyone around me seems to be more thrilled than i am. They say "you must be so happy" and i nod yes, but inside i am saying no. Inside i am thinking it is just another fluke and it makes no difference. Inside i am concentrating on the fact that i just eat and threw up enough food to feed a small deprived country. As usual, faze out the good, rush in with the bad. Always the optimist me, heh.

This also means i am going to uni. It is evident. I will be going up on the 23rd of September, to set myself up in halls of residence, i will be four hours away from home. On the one hand i am looking forward to being away from here, and yet i know i may not be able to cope with the freedom. It will be so much easier to neglect myself, and hell - i do a pretty good job of that already. I try not to think about the possibility of becoming even worse.

I don't want to. I don't want any of this while i am there. I don't want to dirty my new room with crumbs and food wrappers under the bed. I want to have a social life and not hide myself in multipacks of crisps and economy biscuits. I will be catered, which means three set meals a day. If i am honest, i want to push myself into studying, restrict, and lose weight.

I can see myself tumbling down, falling...i have to get a grip. I have to try and hold myself together. I really don't want this to be another disaster. There are way too many left in my path already.

My old best friend is back down here this week. It is good to see her. I just wonder what she sees when she looks at me, whether she is disappointed, whether she can see the sadness in my eyes. I feel grey, worn down, despite makeup i am washed out. Mascara and blush cannot shine out the gloom. I wish it could. I wish i could let everyone know i am okay, so that they can move on.

I have to change to make this next year worthwhile. I have had far too long to get better, and it is my fault i am still like this. There is only so much lying you can do to yourself. If i crash and burn, it will be unforgivable.

I am sure there was more i had to say, but it is gone. Sorry if this has been an incoherent ramble. That is all i can seem to manage at the moment.