Then * Now

05.11.06/8:22 pm

back here

I am home, till Thursday. It feels so strange being back here again. I don't know if it is a good or bad feeling.

I was missing Mum a hell of a lot, and Matt, and it is lovely to see old friends. It's great to see my kitties again too, Coco has been snuggling with me all evening, she has her head resting on my arm as i type. Still, the atmosphere is pretty awful, with Him around. Mum's finished with him, they are just living together because they have to for now. She is hoping to get out as soon as possible, and move somewhere rented. It is just so sad considering it is her home, and she has always wanted it to be finished and comfortable but it never has been. It will be sad leaving this place behind, despite there being so many memories i'd rather forget attatched to it.

I guess i am pleased she has finally realised what an idiot he is, but i so feel guilty and i just want to give her a hug all the time. I would never say i told you so to her, but i suppose i did. He is a horrible, horrible man and she deserves so much better. I just wish someone would take care of her properly and treat her like a princess for once. I just want her to be happy. The whole situation is so wrong.

Anyway, enough about that. Just had to get it off my mind.

The journey back was really stressful, with my case that was harder to pull around than it may have looked! I left uni at 11 and got home just after eight, exhausted and having gone without food all day. Eat and threw up a few pointless items, then crashed into bed.

Mum has noticed the weightloss. She keeps saying i look gaunt and sick, and i try to shrug it off and say i am fine. Of course i am. People have been commenting, and i am ashamed by it. A dinner lady from our canteen said to me on Friday "Are you okay? We we're worried about you yesterday, you looked pale and ill", i had no idea, feeling like that and living through it is what i do. I can never honestly say i feel well. Friday night, a friends brother of sixteen, was questioning me about why i'm 'so light', to which he proceeded to pick me up and lift me above his head, i was shocked. In my mind i am so heavy.

Of course, i am terrified of gaining weight whilst being here and having to sneak around to purge, instead of having the full freedom of my own bathroom and no one around to stop me. I know this loss has knocked me further down and yet i still crave it, the problem is self destruction is all too tempting, it always has been. Tonight, Mum made one of my favourite meals and i felt so awful getting rid of afterwards while running my 'bath'. I hate myself for it, i feel cruel to the core.

Being the weekend of the 5th of November, there are lots of fireworks tonight. They are pretty to watch out of the window, but i hate the noise. I don't pretend to like them anymore, they are too loud, and frightening. When i was little and Dad used to take us on bonfire night i used to stuff cotton wool in my ears and cry. Silence can be so much more spectacular and beautiful than making such a noise anyway.

So much work today, i am keeping up, just. I have missed lessons, laying in bed with searing high sugars unable to move, doing tours of all the food places in town to eat and puke instead of sitting in class. Every day is a fight, but i try to do it, i really do. I've also been put in touch with the local eating disorder services, and reluctantly i will go, i am dreading it but i will go.

Listening to 'Winter' by Tori, i love this song. I'm so drained, I slept all morning, but i feel i might just join Coco again now in doing just that.