It's five minutes to six in the morning and i have just woken up. Don't think i can fall back to sleep now, my head is working overtime with streaming thoughts. I've already weighed myself, 4 hours since going to sleep, and i have gained a pound on yesterdays weight. I know what it is, the 10 pack of doughnuts wasn't completely removed during my 2am purge, i was too weak and weary at that point, not as if that is any excuse. I am so insanely worried that i won't be able to drop it again, that it is one pound clinging to my body with force, even though deep down i know that idea is inplausable i let myself run with it. Craziness wins. I want to make my sugars high now to drown it all out. Of course, ironically i am eating again now, why not if i am fat anyway? Heh, as if it will stay down.

I have just been obsessed, more so than usual with weight recently. It means so much to me right now. I am terrified of being put in the hospital again as i have been threatened with it, but i can't stop myself from losing more. I am about half a stone from my lowest ever and it seems unreal. I look back at photos from that time and i know i look sick, why can't i see it now? Sometimes when i am having a bath and stand facing the long mirror in the bathroom, if i can erase my face and not look at it, just over my body, i can see. The prominant ribs and severe collarbones...feels so seperate from who i am. A glance back at my face brings it all back, i am ugly, i am fat, i need to lose weight.

I am so relieved to finally be updating this diary, it's been forever and has been preying on my mind for a while now. I remember when i used to post an entry usually everyday. It frustrates me when i cannot write, i feel so utterly useless.

Uni - well, i am still going. I have so much work to do over the holidays, only one week left and i haven't turned a page yet. I could fail, but like usual i will probably cram it all in at the last minute and somehow pass. I fear having to drop out, unfortunately that fear only seems to push me through at the last minute. I wish i could motivate myself properly. I feel so isolated there, i have my scales and my fridge and my toilet, enough to keep me occupied, no time to work. I keep getting sick, high sugars, exhaustion, and laying in bed till gone midday missing my lectures. & i hate myself for it, as if that would ever move me. I was desperately down and depressed a few weeks back, so the doctor put my prozac up to 60mg, and it seems to have made a little difference, thank God as i was on the edge.

Being home this Christmas has been hard though. I have been caught out for purging a few times, one most obvious where my brother angrily complained about the smell. I am so ashamed. I missed him and my Mum though, a lot, the boyfriend is gone, for now, renting somewhere unknown. He is blackmailing my Mum and trying to get his 'share' of the house (it really isn't his to have) but it's better to forget for now. Even though it is on all of our minds talking about it is futile. I can't describe how much i despise that man for what he has done.

I don't really want to speak to anyone. I want to stay here in my cocoon of misery, what is wrong with me? I think i lost myself so long ago. I have to go out with friends on New Years Eve and be happy, show them i am 'okay', it will be draining but with the aid of alcohol i am sure i will manage it. I always do, and even if the mask starts to slip they will not notice. In their opinion, It's just me being silly again, mumbling on about food and my size and delusional beliefs.

I often wonder why i am holding on, but i can't forget those who care, who do love me, i can't hurt them even more than i already have. The guilt marks me black, burned deep down inside. It will never, ever, not even for a moment, go away.